Review Six Godbless America

When I watched this film, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I had written it. Like maybe I went on one of those 2-3 day blackouts I’m famous for and somehow managed to write a script in between fucking whiskey bottles, raping dead hookers, and snorting crack out of farm animal carcasses. Maybe the carcasses are alive, I don’t know I’m blackout. There are some clues that lead me to believe I might have written this movie. Actual clues though, not like those asinine clues left behind on Scooby-Do. In real life Freddy beats up Daphne and forces her to have sex with him pretty much all the time. She’s too afraid of him to say anything to the others. Velma eventually takes her own life, because she’s so in love with Freddy, and the only times he could bring himself to have sex with her was when he was wasted, and even then he made her wear a bag over her head. This, of course was after, her failed attempt to murder Daphne with a kitchen knife. Freddy stopped her by beating the ever living shit out of her. He had a raging boner the entire time. Every time Freddy gets a boner he thinks of his father.  We all know where that leads us, now don’t we? Velma’s suicide note simply read, “Jinkies!”.  Her glasses were never found. Daphne might have killed herself too, if she hadn’t of been pregnant with Freddy’s baby. She finally forced a miscarriage by throwing herself down the stairs three times. She fled the city shortly after. I think she does porn now. Shaggy died weeks before this from a heroin overdose in his apartment. The only reason anyone ever found him is because the neighbors complained about the smell. When the landlord finally opened the door they found Shaggy’s rancid body lying on the ground. His face had already been eaten off by an emaciated Scooby-Do. Shaggy traded Scrappy-Do for the junk that killed him. The police never found him, but rest assured the underground sex trade is alive and well. Left all alone Freddy tried to rob a gas station. He was shot to death by police while trying to escape. Fortunately, Scooby was placed in a loving home. He was hit by a truck not long after. Solve that mystery you pesky faggots!

Man, my Scooby-Do is way better. Oh yeah clues! So the clues that led me to think I wrote this movie are as followed:

Clue #1 Poorly written.  Story of my life.

Clue #2 This film does nothing  but complain about why everything sucks while never offering a solution or an alternative. I mean come on…

Clue#3 The one solution that the movie does offer is one man’s mission/vendetta to murder all the shitty people worthless people that don’t deserve to live. Readers, need I say more.

Ok fine, I did not write this movie, but I maintain that this movie might have been written for me. Though that doesn’t change the fact that I thought it sucked. Still, it was a movie I was very curious about so I thought It was time I finally watched it, and even though I thought it sucked I was thoroughly entertained the entire time. So what writer/director can entertain me so? Well, it was Bobcat Goldthwait.

Wait what? You mean that guy from all the Police Academy movies? Oh yeah friends, that’s exactly who I mean. To be more specifically he appeared in, Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985). Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), and Police Academy 4: Citizens Patrol (1987). That of course does not include Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach (1988) or Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994). So many sequels! The original Police Academy (1984) was actually pretty funny. It’s a standard story about misfits coming together. If anything, all this police academy talk just makes me all nostalgic for Steve Guttenberg., one of my top under rated actors from the 1980’s. If you haven’t seen such films as, Diner (1982), Cocoon (1985), or Short Circuit (1986), then you’re missing out on some classic shit. So stop fucking dudes’ butts and go to the video store. Do they even still have video stores? Jesus!

Anyhow, besides the police academy movies, Bobcat was also in stuff like Hot to Trot (1988) with Richard Dreyfuss, and Scrooged (1988) with Bill Murray. They’re both pretty good flicks. If you look at Bobcat’s filmography he has actually been in infinite stuff, even as a voice actor in cartoons a lot of us grew up watching like Eek! The Cat, Capitol Critters, Beavis and Butt-head, Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man, and The Tick. Then he made appearances on famous TV shows like Married With Children, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Herman’s Head (ok that one flopped real fast but I thought it was funny), and Tales from the Crypt. That’s only a taste of the cameos. He was even on ER for fuck’s sake. And he had his own game show at some point, called Bobcat’s Big Ass Show. I watched it? Did you? He got his start like most comedians doing stand-up comedy. He used to perform at the same venue as Robin Williams once upon a time. Here’s a clip from some of his stand-up just so you get a good idea of what we are dealing with here. Watch it and don’t be a baby, this is how we analyze movies! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0qAfWWQJ5w

Scott Baio is the anti Christ! If you liked my real life version of Scooby-Do then you’ll love what really happens on Charles in Charge! Here’s a hint…none of it is good.

So if you’re thinking to yourself, how is this weird screaming guy making movies worth paying attention to? Well friends, talent comes in many forms I suppose. What I can tell you is that God Bless America is (2011) not his first movie. Before that he made World’s Greatest Dad (2009) starring Robin Williams, which makes sense because they are probably buddies since they used to perform at the same place. I watched World’s Greatest Dad a few years ago, and my response is probably similar to what you’re thinking right now. Bobcat made a fucking movie? WTF!? But it was actually really good, and if you haven’t seen it, I’d say it’s worth a rental. It’s about a father, who is a failed writer. His son kills himself on accident (one of the best deaths ever really), so he invents a different reason and writes a suicide note, then hilarity ensues.

Now I grew up watching a very wide variety of weird shit. This, of course, included Bobcat stuff on TV with my old man. Now from what I know, the one thing I can tell you about him, stand-up or not, all of his work involves dark themes and humor. Which if done well, can be pretty god damn amazing. Now I’m not saying that World’s Greatest Dad is goddamn amazing, but I thought it was a really good movie. So when God Bless America came around I was ready for something cool. Alas, we almost get there.

So real fast, who’s in this fucking movie? The main character, Frank, is played by Joel Murray. Who the fuck is that!? Oh you mean the guy that played Greg’s fat perverted friend Pete on Dharma &Greg (1997-2002). Oh Jenna Elfman! Splooge! Wait what!? That guy? Really? Oh yeah it’s him. His career hasn’t exactly been sparkling, but he has done a lot of television, which leads me to think that he’s also friends with Bobcat since Bobcat has done butt loads of TV shit. See friends, following clues is important. Franks plucky sidekick, Roxy, is played by Tara Lynne Barr, who has been in nothing you’d recognize. Even I had never seen her before. She was born in 1993, however, so give her time. She’ll be exploiting her body for roles in stuff before you can say blowjobs for crack.

This film is a little Bonny and Clyde (1967), (Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. If you haven’t seen it watch it dumb dumbs) mixed in with Natural Born Killers (1994) and My First Mister (2001). Yes friends, I’m talking about the ULTRA gay movie where the young goth girl forms and unlikely friendship with the middle aged store owner guy that’s a tight ass. Staring Leelee Sobieski. She was the amazing young actress in such illustrious films as Joan of Arc (1999), don’t confuse that with The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc starring Milla Jovovich which also came out in 1999. Good one guys. Leelee was also in The Glass House and Joy Ride both in 2001. So feel free to skip those. On with the show.

Despite thinking God Bless America sucks, I still enjoyed watching it so I’ll keep this part brief, since you should probably go watch it. Here is the briefest possible plot summary I can manage.

This is a movie about being contrived. Ok, so that’s not actually what the movie is about, but that’s what the movie is. Now if you don’t know what that means, don’t worry friends. I fully expect you all to be stupid, so let me explain. If something is contrived that means it has been excessively planned.  So when you watch a film that is contrived, everything that happens seems forced. Now, this isn’t always a bad thing, but in general good writing just kind of flows on its own. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying about how things, “write themselves”.  The writing in this movie is 100% forced.

“Ummm, hey Mandrew…”

Yes readers.

“You realize that’s how everything you write sounds right?”

Yes I suppose so.

“It’s like you look for any excuse to talk about gross offensive things just for the sake of it.”

That’s one way to look at it. I’m just venting my frustrations in a colorful way.

“Are you frustrated because all your writing lacks substance?”

There’s a lot of things that frustrate me. My own shortcomings included

 “And why are you so obsessed with semen? Are you gay?”

Good Talk readers, good talk.

So that’s just it, this movie was very obviously written for something very specific, and the flow is dictated by an obvious, spunk on your face, agenda. So we have Frank. He is a middle aged fat guy. Frank’s life sucks. He’s divorced, and his kid is a huge spoiled bitch who hates him. Despite having very little in his life to live for, Frank is still a very nice man. He’s a very respectful, polite, and thoughtful person. He did his time in the military, and afterward he had a traditional life in mind, but it just didn’t work out. To make things worse, Frank is pissed about everything he sees. This is where the agenda comes in. The entire movie Frank is bombarded by the worst things about America. Now, I’m going to dance around this as much as I can or we’ll be here all day. Just remember this movie is a dark humorous satire. Satire is that thing that actual stupid people will never understand. I won’t explain, just be better at stuff friends. I’m rooting for you here.

This is the best way I can explain the agenda of this movie. At the beginning of the movie Frank is watching TV and he is bombarded with all the shit that we might see on TV now, except exaggerated…or is it!? DUM DUM DUMB!

He sees a lot of awful things, like EXTREME energy drink commercials! He sees a Jersey Shore type show. I think we can all agree those people should be euthanized. And yet their show is so popular…hmm weird…do you see where this is going. He also sees a horrible reality show where a girl throws a used tampon at another girl. Then there’s the films fictional version of American Idol called, American Super Starz. Bobcat must be really pissed at this show because the American Super Starz follows Frank around the entire film. Now don’t get me wrong, the show American idol makes me want to gouge out my own eyes like Oedipus Rex. And he had sex with his mom, so you know I’m serious! If you don’t know what that means then I suggest you go watch something on Tivo. And by that I meant ram your face into the TV as fast and as hard as you can. I’ll rape your corpse when I have time, so don’t worry. I’d also like to remind you all that someone already made a satire type film about American idol, and it was called American Deams (2006). This movie is actually pretty funny, and the ending makes the whole thing worth it, so I’d say it’s worth a watch if you haven’t seen it. This also reminds us as an audience that Bobcat isn’t doing anything new here.

The American Super Starz show features a team of Judges, one specifically supposed to mirror that Simon guy, as they make horrid fun of this retarded kid that gets up to sing. There’s more stuff in this scene, so like I said go see for yourselves. Truth be told, I thought they were all pretty clever, but as I said, very contrived.

Now on top of this, every single person Frank interacts with is the most shallow, vacuous, atrocious douchbag piece of shit you’ve ever met in your entire life, with nothing more intelligent to talk about then what other awful celebrities are doing. I’m not joking here. The characters in this movie are intentionally terrible, and I mean the worst, to help keep the point of the film on task. This is something I like and dislike at the same time. I like this as a plot device because, in my opinion, the majority of people I interact with are absolutely terrible as I have described. However I know not everyone is this way…at least I think so. That’s not important though. What is important is that these, “not awful” humans are not represented in this movie, really at all, except through the main character Frank, and he goes around murdering people. Oops spoilers! Only representing the film’s idea of “good” with the main character is pretty convenient, and probably just lazy writing, but it works as far as the story is concerned. Now the “awful” characters, which is everyone but Frank, are represented as I have described, and while this also works for the story I think Bobcat could have done better. Even shitty characters deserve a chance to be well developed. Instead all the non Frank characters are really flat and uninteresting, since they serve no purpose but to make the audience like Frank. Yes this plot device works just fine, but I’d argue that even shitty characters deserve some dignity. Even the worst character you can think of can be well rounded and interesting. The more interesting characters a story has, the better the story is. It doesn’t seem like Bobcat is interested in telling a great story because he’s obviously got a lot on his mind, and it shows through the writing. So instead of having a lot of interesting characters, the audience is forced to throw all their eggs into Franks basket, since he’s the only character with any depth at all. While it is fine, I still would like to see more. As a result, the audience get’s an idea very quickly that Frank is all alone. He even has a large argument with one of his co-workers about why American Super Starz is a horrible show. Here’s the actual dialogue to give you an idea.

Frank: It's not nice to laugh at someone who's not all there. It's the same type of freak-show distraction that comes along every time a mighty empire starts collapsing. "American Superstarz" is the new coliseum and I won't participate in watching a show where the weak are torn apart every week for our entertainment. I'm done, really, everything is so "cool" now. I just want it all to stop. I mean, nobody talks about anything anymore. They just regurgitate everything they see on TV, or hear on the radio or watch on the web. When was the last time you had a real conversation with someone without somebody texting or looking at a screen or a monitor over your head? You know, a conversation about something that wasn't celebrities, gossip, sports, or pop politics. You know, something important, something personal.

This is the whole fucking movie. Just Frank rambling on with these huge long diatribes. Now I actually like dialogue like this in a lot of cases. One of my favorite movies with very contrived dialogue is Brick (2005). I recommend it to everyone. Also Chasing Amy (1997). It’s Kevin Smith’s only actual GOOD movie. The rest in pretty entertaining I’ll admit, but it just stands out above the rest. But do you see what I mean about the movie having an agenda? Then, all in one day, Frank, loses his job and finds out he has a terminal brain tumor. So let’s review. Frank is actually a really nice guy, but he thinks everyone is terrible and the world has gone to hell in a hand basket, and after am lifetime of being shit on, he’s going to die and all the shitty worthlessness of America will thrive on without him, so what’s a man to do? Well go on a killing spree obviously. It makes sense. This is one of those things that “normal” people might not want to admit, but given the option I think a fair amount of people who work hard for very little might do the same if they were in Frank’s shoes. So I like this, because it makes the audience stop and actually consider for a second what they would do. And even if they wouldn’t go on a killing spree, they don’t blame Frank for his actions, and later you find yourself rooting for the guy that kills everyone. When this happens it’s usually because of really good writing. In the case of this movie though, it’s almost good writing. Instead I’d argue that we root for Frank because he’s all we get. It’s just a byproduct of having awful characters, except for one.

After Frank get’s the news about his brain tumor, he sits at home watching TV and drinks excessively. He watches a show that’s supposed to resemble that fucking show on MTV My Super Sweet 16. This show features outrageously rich bitches being showered with stuff they don’t deserve just because they made it to sixteen without dying. The girl on the show is probably the worst thing I’ve ever seen, so when Frank decides to go murder this girl, the audience is right on board. I’ll admit I was stoked about it. 

Shortly after this Frank teams up with young Roxy, who attends school with the girl Frank murdered. Roxy is very much like Frank and shares his view of the world. So then the movie goes on and the duo murders a lot of shitty people. They kill the shitty girl’s parents, because they’re just as bad if not worse. They kill the horrible group of douchbags and jocks at the movies. The kill the shit out of the religious prick who protests funerals with his God hates fags signs, and a super mean super conservative political commentator that spreads fear for his own agenda. The whole time this is happening they’re driving around in a bright yellow Camaro, and somehow never get caught.

Bobcat reconciles the murdering and the fact that the audience has to root for these people in a couple different ways. First and foremost, as I’ve already described, they only kill “shitty” people. So it’s like when Dexter murders other murderers on the show DEXTER. The people being killed are bad, so we don’t care. Then we get the father/daughter relationship that develops between Frank and Roxy. They practice shooting together. They go to the fair together. They talk about their feelings, and they kill douchbags together. Just like my family. Just replace everything I just wrote with excessive bickering, tears, and copious amounts of booze. I stopped going to holidays years ago after I disowned everyone I was related to except for my parents. Every other time I drank till I passed out, or pretended to sleep till it was time to leave. My pretend sleep record is nine hours. Now that’s an American family! Lastly, Frank is just always really polite. He even refuses Roxy’s advances, because he doesn’t want to take advantage of a child. Frank is a good dude, despite the killing spree. So then the movie just goes on like this, then some more stuff happens, and it’s over. Just watch it. Here’s my main beef, and we’ll wrap this shit up.

The writing is lazy. Not once during this whole movie does Frank stop to wonder if he’s doing the right thing. We know he’s dying and has nothing to lose, but still, not a single time does Frank stop and think about what he’s doing. And since he’s the only character that matters, I’d say that’s a pretty important  thing for character development. I think Frank should have at least stopped to consider his actions, but instead everything is pretty cut and dry. This movie was very entertaining, but it could have been really GOOD if Bobcat would have put more time into the characters. Like maybe Frank could have murdered someone that turned out to not be terrible, and he had to do some real deep thinking to find his way. That’s a little cliché I’ll admit, but I’m just spitballing here. Insert anything into the plot that would make Frank have a change of heart, or anything would inspire thought in any of the characters. It could be a million different things, and that’s fine and acceptable because people can be very complicated. Then as the audience we follow Frank along his path and experience his thoughts as he changes as a person, then decide to be on his side or not at the exact same moment he picks his path. But Frank can’t do this because all the other characters are so fucking FLAT. Even Roxy is just an extension of Frank. They’re practically the same character, and this is just aggravated by the unlikely friendship thing that’s been done to death. I’ve mentioned this in other blogs, you know what it’s all about. It’s a shame to me that Bobcat wasn’t interested in telling a great story. World’s Greatest Dad is similar, but I think it’s a better movie, for the reason I have listed. My other main beef has to do with Bobcat’s disinterest is story telling. The whole movie is about why Bobcat is personally mad at America. At some point Frank says this:

Frank: [On the air] My name is Frank. That's not important. The important question is: who are you? America has become a cruel and vicious place. We reward the shallowest, the dumbest, the meanest and the loudest. We no longer have any common sense of decency. No sense of shame. There is no right and wrong. The worst qualities in people are looked up to and celebrated. Lying and spreading fear is fine as long as you make money doing it. We've become a nation of slogan-saying, bile-spewing hatemongers. We've lost our kindness. We've lost our soul. What have we become? We take the weakest in our society, we hold them up to be ridiculed, laughed at for our sport and entertainment. Laughed at to the point, where they would literally rather kill themselves than live with us anymore.

Ok here we go. To begin with I agree with everything that quote just said 100%. This is a blog, and in it is my opinion, and I can honestly say that sums up how I feel about America in this day and age. There’s a big BUT here though friends. Even though that’s how I feel about the country I was born in, and live in I still recognize that this is fucking America and we’re all pretty fucking lucky to live here. I won’t say America is the best country in the world, but we all have it pretty god damn good. Even at our worst we still have it better than the majority of people all over the world. I’m a white male in America between the ages of 18 and 40. No one has it easier than me. I get to wake up and choose what I want to eat. Pretty much anything I want, and as much as I’d like. I have a job that pays me way more than I deserve, and I get to look at beautiful women all the time. I’m in good health and free of disease. If you chuckled there, I don’t blame you. I have spent the last decade doing everything in my power to catch every sexually transmitted disease there is. I JUST CAN’T GET AIDS DAMNIT! But yes, there’s no plague, no Aids epidemic, no one comes to my town and kills me for no reason. Things here are pretty relaxed. It’s America. Things aren’t great, but they’re sure as shit not bad. And my rights to spew my bile on the internet are protected. For now anyway. And just as I can be the piece of shit that I am freely, so can all other shitty people.

So Bobcat, instead of making a movie that serves no purpose but to vent your own personal frustration why don’t you do something more productive with your time. Like make better fucking movies! Make better shit and raise the standards and force the rest to make better stuff too. What a wonder it would be if we actually cared about art and telling amazing stories again. Our oral history is pretty fucking important I’d say. Movies have become ingrained in it. Or God fucking forbid, instead of bitching like an asshole (yes I’m aware of the irony readers just chill out) you propose solutions. God Bless America complains and offers nothing as an alternative. If only I had a fraction of the resources these Hollywood fuckheads have. Instead all they do is waste their time and efforts to jerk off on themselves. That’s all this movie is. Masturbation. That and any dialogue Tarantino has ever written. ZING! Then I remember this movie is supposed to be a satire and inspire thoughts and stuff. So maybe this was Bobcat’s plan the whole time. I just can’t say for sure. If you want to watch a movie that’s actually good and deals with a lot of these same themes I’d highly recommend you go watch Falling Down (1993). It’s got Michael Douglas and Robert Duvall. It’s got everything in it that would have made God Bless America a truly great movie.

The problems in this country won’t just fix themselves, especially if the only people leading the way are crybaby rich assholes that make movies like this. We have to band together as a people and agree to stop being short sighted. Teach our children not to be obsessed with wealth and beauty. Not to be selfish, and decadent. To not fear and hate things they don’t understand, and certainly not the rest of the world. We have to teach our children to care about our greater good as species before we all go extinct. Because in the end, all we have is each other. That’s how it was before we had TV and cell phones, and it’s very plausible that’s how it will be again. If the world does come to an end and everyone still acts the way they do now, you can count on people like me hunting the rest of you for food. I say this with complete sincerity. I will hunt you for food. That’s what God Bless America should have been about. It would probably have made for a much more interesting plot.

But honestly I’ll probably just drink myself to death instead, because I’m just a lazy American douchbag. Good One.

Review Five Life of Pi

Yes friends, this week I decided to go to the theater and see what all the fuss was about, and oh what a mistake it was. This movie pissed me off. It pissed me off so much, in fact, that when it was over I jumped up and ran screaming out of the theater the way I’d imagine Kevin Federline runs screaming from good record sales.  The album was called, “Playing with Fire”, and it sold about 182,000 less copies then the last Spice Girl album “Forever”. PALM TO FACE.  If that isn’t grounds for suicide, K-Fed, I don’t know what is. But I guess you have your family to…live…for…? Nope kill yourself! Seppuku would be fine. In fact it should probably be televised. “Tonight on Primetime TV a Giant Faggot that should have been aborted so he could never reproduce kills himself in the style of the Japanese Samurai. Followed by Wheel of Fortune!” Oh big money! Come on big money!

Speaking of Japan…After I ran screaming out of the theater to the parking lot, I was instantly teleported off the coast of Nagasaki. As I floated there in the air looking down at Japan, I got a boner. And no, it wasn’t from all the girls in short school girl skirts, or all the animated pornography…ok fine. It was from all the girls with short skirts in animated pornography…which also takes place in my room…right now…

But yes, looking down at Japan I received an erection, and it grew and grew and grew, until finally it became large enough to see from space. Now that’s some serious dick! Look out lesbians! Here comes the dick! After that my wiener opened up and bloomed like a flower. A gargantuan inside-out penis flower of glory and goo. It bloomed brightly, eclipsing the sun for a moment, only to fold back upon itself, enveloping the rest of my body, turning me into a jizz encrusted chrysalis. I imagine it had the same texture as an old sock. There I incubated for who knows how long, kind of like Natasha Henstridge did on the train in Species (1995) only to reveal that glorious rack of hers. I lost count of how many times I incubated to that movie. Finally my stiff sock-like prison cracked open and there I emerged the mighty…SPOOGEZILLA! Or SPOOJIRA, if you’re Asian.  As long as it’s in caps. Standing over fifty stories tall, SPOOGEZILLA is a cross between Godzilla, King Kong, Gamera (he was the turtle version of Godzilla), and a prehistoric Megalodon shark, to give it that extra penis shaped glory sauce. SPOOGEZILLA is armored head to toe in glistening spunk scales, which harness the awesome power of the sun to reflect light and blind foes, while remaining harder than diamonds and Wolverine’s adamantium combined. Armed only with his indomitable claws (each claw is actually Cloud’s final limit break from Final Fantasy VII, but with more semen) and his fiery ding-dong breath, hailing down incendiary radioactive dildos like spears from heaven. Let us not forget that from the armor extend mighty and colossal scrotum hairs, which also shoot lazer beams of death and destruction.

READERS BEHOLD ME AND DESPAIR! I AM SPOOGEZILLA! I stood in the ocean a glistening beacon of doom. There I roared, “LIFE OF PI”, and took off for the coast ready to rain terror, pain, and balls-on-chin death to all the masses before me. SPOOGEZILLA has no cock…he is the COCK! RAWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Instead of taking out my anger on Japan, however, I turned around and headed for China to ravage Hong Kong and finally kill all those wire-acting fucks! Why so much hate for China you ask? Well, there’s a few reasons.

#1 I hate pandas. I’m fucking tired of listening to assholes argue whether pandas are bears or big fucking raccoons. They’re gay. End of story. Not to mention any animal that won’t fuck when it’s going extinct, probably doesn’t deserve to exist. Oh and if you’re one of those twats that wears those fucking hideous panda hats, well…SPOOJIRA has an adventure in anal just waiting for you. At least I can count on tragically retarded, hipster, fixie-riding faggots to help murder pandas. So if you name your bike company after panda bears, then make your bikes out of bamboo, which is pretty much all pandas eat…and pandas are going extinct…taking their food source to make bikes for white people is…probably…a good…idea? PALM TO FACE. SPOOJIRA’S Anal Adventure will be released on X-Box this summer.

#2 Those Red Communist bastards! They think they’re so cool with their market socialism, the late-to-the-party industrialization of transportation, and their ridiculous rise in bachelor rates. This shit is clogging up my freedom! Then of course there’s the army of nine-year-old gymnasts they parade around during the Olympics. Some good old-fashioned American rape is what we need here. Then maybe those hormone starved cunts will finally get their periods. SPOOJIRA’S Child Rape game was not approved by Microsoft. I’m currently seeking a contract with Sony.

I can only assume there are people coming to my house to arrest me at all times.

#3 Ang Lee Directed Life of Pi. WHY LORD!? WHY DO YOU SPITE ME SO!? Ok, so Ang Lee was born in Taiwan, but his name is still fucking Chinese, so fuck it! Besides I could never destroy Japan anyhow. They gave us stuff like sushi, Pat Morita, and of course God Fucking Zilla. And loads of cartoon boobies. YES! Let’s review this shit!

I went into this movie completely blind, and when Ang Lee’s name popped up on the screen I nearly got up and left. Now don’t get me wrong, Lee is not a bad director.  In fact I might argue that Lee is a talented director. I just hate his movies because they’re all the same.  Lee has thirteen director credits in his filmography, but really there are only four that got any mention of importance. Here they are in order: Sense and Sensibility (1995), Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000), The Hulk (2003), and Brokeback Mountain (2005).  Now what are these movies about?

Sense and Sensibility features English people being bad at stuff.  Girl loves boy, boy probably loves girl, but they can’t because of class confliction and disapproval of their families. Everyone is grouchy and uses big words. Crouching Tiger gives us Chinese people who are bad at stuff, except wires of course. Guy loves girl, girl loves guy, guy can’t act on his feeling because he’s a monk and stuff. They chase other girl who loves guy who’s a bandit so that obviously won’t work. The Hulk stars computer animation that makes me hurl. Guy loves girl and is bad at stuff. So bad at stuff in fact he makes a potion that turns him into monster. Monster rampages and ensures he can never love girl because he’s so dangerous.  Brokeback has butt-pumping homos. Well obviously that never works out.  Boy loves boy. Boy also loves boy. Their families, friends, history, religion, and more or less everything tells them this is not ok. Disaster ensues.

Anyone sensing a fucking theme here? These plots are over simplified of course, but that’s what these movies are about. Every Ang Lee movie I’ve ever seen is the same, and has something to do with character repression. All of these movies feature strong characters that aren’t allowed to be who they want to be. Now there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with this, because it often makes for a good character driven story, but how many of these films must we endure as an audience. Maybe Ang Lee should just go cry to his therapist instead of plaguing the unsuspecting masses with his sappy intellectual droning. It’s all overly sentimental and frankly I don’t care. The whole tortured soul thing needs to take a break, or at least be confined to crybaby faggots with acoustic guitars or a piano, and that hair swoop that goes over their faces so they don’t have to look their fathers in the eye and see that vacant look of disappointment. It’s the look that says, I should have killed myself or at least pushed your mother down the stairs. Then maybe my son wouldn’t have grown up to be James Blunt, or Ron Pope, or even Ang fucking Lee.

Before I really get into why I hate this movie I will briefly defend Ang Lee and his lack of originality or creativity. He is a pretty good director. All the movies I listed are “good” movies (good is in quotes for a reason). With maybe the exception of The Hulk, but in reality it’s hard to make a comic book movie not suck ass. Unless your Jon Favreau doing the Iron Man (2008). Yeah, he was in Swingers (1996). He wrote it too. Then there’s Sin City (2005). But when you let the guy who wrote the comic, Frank Miller, write the movie and direct it with Robert Rodriguez, you can’t lose. The only other good comic book movie is The Avengers (2012) directed by Joss Whedon. He gave us stuff like Firefly, Buffy the vampire Slayer, and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Hollywood, give comic movies to nerds. They will do them right. Ang Lee is not a nerd, he’s a sad little man.

As I was saying, his movies are very well made. They are well made, well formed, and for the most part, the stories are complete. By that I mean the characters make choices that drive the plot, which is essential, as I’ve said time and time again. That and the production vale to these movies is very high, which is pretty important because you really have to sell the universe the story takes place in. Realism is the key to this. Lee even won the best directing Oscar for Brokeback, which despite my qualms, IS a very well made film. The thing to remember here, is that there is a huge difference between a well made film and a good film. All of his movies are well made films but they’re not good. In fact they’re terrible.  Unless you’re really into Jane Austin (which a lot of people are and that’s fine. It’s fucking gay, but it’s fine) why the fuck would anyone want to sit through a super long boring movie about girls with flour in their vaginas as they cry about not being able to date who they want. May as well be Twilight. Crouching Tiger is actually a really fucking slow movie with bad dialogue. The characters babble on for minutes at a time about nothing, or things that are referenced too briefly to be recalled, or about stuff an American audience just doesn’t know about. But then it tricks you with cool Kung-Fu stuff. The Hulk is nothing but bad computer graphics jumping around. I don’t even remember the exact story because it’s so bad and forgettable. I’d rather watch the cartoon Hulk, or the fucking 70’s Hulk with Lou Ferrigno. They’re both way better. And Brokeback…jesus…I don’t even think actual homosexuals want to watch almost three hours of sad gay dudes bitching at each other like a married couple while they have sex with hot girls they hate then cry some more in between spelunking in each other’s rectums.

Crouching Tiger was nominated for best picture that year, and I’d say it deserved it. The production value was amazing, and it rekindled a genre that people had forgotten about. Gladiator won however, because there’s just no beating Russell Crowe apparently. Lee won the directing Oscar over stuff like Crash, Munich, Capote, and Good Night, And Good Luck. That means he beat Speilberg and George Clooney. Thank goodness. Another Oscar speech from Clooney and the world probably just explodes. I had like seven other more clever things to insert there, but in reality Clooney’s self important asshole mouth just makes the world blow up. Obviously we don’t have to put all of our faith in the fucking academy, in fact I would suggest you don’t, but it’s not hard to see that Brokeback is easily argued the best of those choices. If you’re screaming Munich right now, you’re just a dumbass with no opinion of your own. Everyone is so used to sucking Spielberg’s dick, they can’t see that his shit sucks. Ol’ Steven hasn’t made a good movie since Jurassic Park (1993). Start a thread to argue me…I fucking dare you. Don’t worry he’s rereleasing Jurassic Park in 3D in April 2013. Fuck, it’s hard being right all the time.

So that’s what we know about Ang Lee, which tells us Life of Pi will be a very well made piece of shit. But who wrote this piece of shit? It wasn’t Ang Lee, thank goodness. It was by David Magee. Magee was also nominated for an Oscar for best screenplay adaptation for Finding Neverland (2004). Wait a second…that fucking gay Peter Pan movie with Johnny Depp? SIGH. Also best screenplay is different from screenplay adaptation. Magee is a man who makes his living rewriting stuff that other people have already written…so that’s awesome…oh wait…So Magee adapted the screenplay from the book Life of Pi, written by Yann Martel in 2001. From what I’ve looked up about the book, the movie seems to have followed the original story pretty closely, so at least we know Magee can copy down stuff that he reads. Oh boy. Now I’m sure most of you have seen commercials or trailers, or the actual movie, so I’m probably not giving anything away when I say the movie is about a boy trapped on a lifeboat with a tiger in the middle of the ocean, after his ship sinks. It’s a story about survival and self discovery. Wait a second. A story about a boy trapped on a boat with a tiger…what a cool original idea! I can honestly say I’ve never seen or heard anything quite like that before in my career of liking stuff. I think that idea is really fucking cool, because…because…oh wait I was doing that thing where I was lying!

Do you guys remember that time in 1981 when some Brazilian guy named  Moacyr Scliar wrote a novella called Max and the Cats? It’s a story about a guy that get’s stranded on a lifeboat, after his ship sinks, with a jaguar. I remember that time. PALM TO FACE. So without further delay, here’s the plot to this giant turd. The only turd bigger than this movie is probably the one SPOOJIRA takes after anal rape. Ten pages of Summary incoming!

Fooled you! This will be a very short plot summary. Especially since I more or less just told you what happened. The plot of this movie is about plagiarism…errr I mean a boy on a raft with a tiger.

The movie starts with Pi, as an adult, having a conversation with some white guy that’s sad. After meeting Pi’s uncle, this white guy seeks Pi out to hear his amazing story. Pi supposedly has a story so incredible that it will make him believe in god. Here’s the movies first mistake. That’s a pretty big promise to make to an audience, so they had better plagiarize…errr I mean deliver this promise to us as we watch. I’m sure you can already tell where this is going. The story is given to the audience through Pi, as he tells his story to this white guy, who isn’t even credited with a name by the way. His official character name is “writer”. I realize this is a convenient plot device, and I will admit that it works just fine in this movie, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t hate it. It’s lazy, bad writing first off. Then I remember he adapts things into movies…sigh…ok fine, so maybe it’s in the book. I don’t know.  Not to mention, this writer character is supposed to reflect us, the living audience, and frankly this offends me. I don’t want to be associated with a sniveling, overly dramatic, overprivileged white duchebag, that’s sad because he can’t write anything good. This is what we get? Really guys? If you watch it, you’ll know what I mean immediately. Maybe if this guy actually went and did stuff, like had life experience, he wouldn’t be such an asshole. Instead I’m sure he spent his time drinking coffee and reading poetry, wondering why girls aren’t interested in his sensitivity. This character probably owns a James Blunt and Ron Pope Album.

“Hey Mandrew!”

Yes readers?

“WE think you’d have an easy time relating to overprivileged white duchebags, that are sad because they can’t write anything good.”

Yes, yes I can readers. Thanks for pointing that out.

“And you know James Blunt and Ron Pope make infinite more money than you?”

I do.

“And that they have sex with way more better looking women than you ever will?”

I’ve already come to terms with that. At least I have my integrity.

“What’s that Mandrew?”

It’s something losers talk about when they fail.

“Sounds boring.”

Good talk readers. Good talk.

So then Pi tells him his story.  Pi’s actually name is Piscine Molitor Patel. He is named after the most beautiful pool in France, or something gay like that. His name is pronounced the way it looks, so the kids he went to school with quickly give him the nickname of “pissing”. Good one adults. It’s like when people grow up they instantly forget how mean everyone is…though I suppose repressing painful childhood memories is a full time job. Still, pissing is arguable a better name than, let’s say Merle Lester, Gaye Males, Mike Litoris, Mike Hunt, and Mike Rotch. Mikes are just bad in general apparently. In sports we have names like Dick Butkus, Lucious Pusey, Misty Hyman, Dick Trickle, and Rusty Kuntz. Who could forget such classics as Jack Goff, Willie Stroker, and  B.J. Cobbledick. Last but not least there’s poor ol’ Asian Chew Kok, and my personal favorite Robert Faggot.  So then maybe at the end of the day, Piscine “pissing” Patel isn’t too bad…but still. What the fuck is wrong with people. Oh yea, they were born and had kids…good one.

Regardless, no one wants to be called “pissing” for the next ten years of their lives so Pi quickly comes up with a way to change his name. He does this by memorizing an obscene amount numbers from the number Pi sequence and impresses the fuck out of everyone on the first day of school so even the bullies have no choice but to call him Pi. Now this is super fucking gay. If I was a bully I would still beat the shit out of this kid, probably worse than before, but it’s a movie so whatever. What this does tell us is that Pi is a really fucking smart kid. To do that requires a lot of intelligence and memory. I can’t even do fucking long division. Shit, I can’t stop talking about semen!

After this Pi briefly covers the fact that he fell in love with religion. So much in fact, as a child he practiced Hinduism, Islam, and Christianity, all at the same time. To put it more accurately he picked and chose things he liked from each of them. As an adult he incorporated even more religions into his repertoire.  Pi explains it that he just wanted to have a relationship with God, and as far as he could see it, God was something that transcended even religion. In this way, it doesn’t matter what religion you are if you love God. Think of it as God being a gift, and the religion is the wrapping paper. In the movie, Pi explains this to the writer by saying something like, “faith is a house with many rooms”. So now we know that not only is Pi a very intelligent guy, but he’s very spiritual and practical. The idea that God remains constant no matter what religion one chooses is very important to this movie, so keep it in the back of your head.

So Pi grows up a little in this story, and shit happens in India and his family doesn’t feel safe. Around this time, it’s the 1970’s so shit might hit the fan in India. Indira Gandhi  was returned to power, and a lot of socialist shit was enacted. This included a treaty with the Soviet Union, and the testing of nuclear weapons.  Lots of other shit happened too, but that’s just to give you an idea. Anyhow Pi’s father doesn’t feel safe so he decides to sell the family business and move to Canada. The family business is a zoo, in case I forgot to mention that. So now not only is Pi intelligent, spiritual, and practical, but he’s also understands animal psychology, from having grown up around wild animals. Yeah, I definitely would have beaten up this faggot in school. Jesus chili dog tit fucking santorum Christ, I hate this kid!

There is a scene where Pi, as a child, tries to feed the tiger he eventually ends up on the boat with. The tiger is named Robert Parker. Really? Richard Parker? I would have named the tiger, Anass Rhammar. Or my personal favorite, Mahboobeh. In my version of the movie, the fucking tiger eats his faggot smart kid ass and we all cheer. Alas, though, his father saves him at the last minute. I still like the scene though, mostly because it reminds me of the end of The Jungle Book (1994) when Mowgli stares down Shere Khan. In fact, if you’re thinking of seeing Life of Pi, probably just rent the Jungle Book instead. It’s got fucking tigers in it! Just try and forget it was directed by Stephen Sommers. He gave us such as amazing films as, The Mummy (1999), the Mummy Returns (2001), and The Scorpion King (2002). You’ll have to excuse me for a moment…I just vomited up a dead baby. I’ll spunk on it later.

Ok so the family boards the boat for Canada and it sinks. They don’t dance around it either. No sea monsters or icebergs, just a storm. And certainly no bitches on the ship’s bow screeching about how they can fly. In my version of Titanic (1997) Leo pushes Kate Winslet off the ship, hi-fives his buddy and spends the rest of the movie raping dudes. I bet I even would have won an Oscar for best ORIGINAL screenplay, due to my unique and groundbreaking portrayal of homosexual love. That’ll teach all you assholes to repress the gays! With Hollywood on our side no adversity is too strong to over…over…

Please excuse for a moment. I just vomited up another dead baby. I’m going to put that one in my butt!

So the ship sinks and everyone dies, except for Pi. Real fast a few important things. Pi is on the ship with his father, mother, and brother. The only other two characters we get to meet are Japanese sailor, and the surly cook. The Japanese sailor is goofy and very polite. See why I picked China instead of Japan? All this guy wants to do is be nice to everyone and jerk it to cartoon boobies. Now what the fuck is wrong with that you fascists!? The surly cook is a total asshole. But he’s only an asshole because he’s old, fat, made a lot of bad life decisions, not he’s stuck in a galley on a tanker surrounded by a bunch of complaining foreigners he doesn’t understand. But yes, he sucks. He is played by Gérard Depardieu. Wait what!? Really? What the fuck is Gérard Depardieu doing in this movie? Remember that time in My Father the Hero (1995) when he’s on vacation with his daughter, played by Katherine Heigal, and everyone thinks he’s a pedophile and that Heigal is his lover and not his daughter, and he gets on the piano and sings “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”? I do. In fact, here’s a clip. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqgeKGoJjig Remember it’s funny because they think he fucks kids. How did he have a career!? Why is he in this movie!? I DON’T KNOW!?

As Pi is escapes into the lifeboat a zebra jumps onto the boat and breaks it’s leg. During the storm Richard Parker, the tiger, swims toward the boat and climbs on, then hilarity ensues! The next day Pi is still alive, the zebra is still there, leg broken, and the tiger is nowhere to be found, so Pi thinks he’s more or less safe…except for the fact that his whole family is dead, and he’s stuck in the middle of the fucking ocean.  Then all of a sudden Orange Juice the Orangutan floats up on some fucking bananas or something. No fucking shit! Pi likes the orangutan, and why not, monkeys rule. Except for that one monkey from Outbreak (1995). He can go straight to hell. Then all of a fucking sudden there’s a hyena on the boat. I love all hyenas. Not because of The Lion King (1994), though I do love the shit out of that movie, but because all hyenas remind me of Cheech Marin. He rules. The hyena wastes no time murdering the helpless zebra and adorable Orange Juice. Even though this upsets him greatly, Pi does nothing. So he’s smart, spiritual, practical, and understands animal psychology, but is a huge bitch. Check. Finally worried about his own safety, he tries to fight the hyena, but then BAM! The fucking tiger appears and kills the shit out of the hyena. Where the fuck are all of these animals coming from. The movie takes place on a 12 foot boat in the middle of the fucking ocean! All this animal shit is important for later.

And that’s pretty much the movie folks. Pi spends the next 90 minutes or so trying not to get eaten by a tiger. This is where I almost start to like the movie. The movie tricks you into thinking it’s a survival movie, with doses of spirituality splashed in to make it well rounded. Survival movies can be really awesome, because they usually place the characters into such extreme situations that they are forced do all sorts of outrageous things to survive. Often enough it makes for a great character driven story. Any zombie movie made comes to mind. But really there are trillions of different survival movies, I won’t list any because this review is already getting pretty long. But where almost there! But yes, I almost start to like this movie, because I think to myself, “how the fuck is this kid not going to get eaten by this tiger on this boat?”. Pi is most definitely pushed to his limits to survive. This is meshed up with his relationship with the tiger, and how Pi struggles with his relationship to God. This story is suppose to make us believe in God, remember? Pi and the tiger develop this strange symbiotic relationship, as Pi attempts to tame the tiger in the middle of the fucking ocean. This idea alone is almost enough to blow my mind. Then I remember Max and the Cats, and I’m like, oh yeah, plagiarism. Guy flees from Germany during the war to escape political turmoil. He gets on a boat that sinks. He escapes on a lifeboat. There’s a Jaguar on the lifeboat. Shit. Good one. This movie should have been called, “Ways to Trick White People into Thinking Shitty Stuff Rules”.

Trick #1: Gay animals. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like animals. In fact, I prefer them to people in most cases. And no not sexually, in case that’s what you were thinking. That’s what Japanese cartoons are for. Nothing melts an audience like adorable animals. This is where I’d want to list a bunch of famous animal movies, but thankfully other nerds already have here’s a link. Look at it! http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/movie-pages/movie_animal.html

The first few shots of this film show nothing but the animals in Pi’s zoo. They’re all weird looking and pretty cute in most cases. White people eat this shit up, the way I eat hookers’ assholes. With a spoon and a smile. Especially when it’s implied that there’s some transcendent mystical relationship between humans and animals. Wild animals want to eat you, not love you. People forget that we are also animals. I’d hunt and eat all you box office stuffing, 3D watching faggots if I could. All this shit does is help to distract you from the fact that, while the idea appears pretty interesting, it’s actually really lame. You know the tiger isn’t going to eat Pi. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a movie. So they focus on this make believe bullshit animal human friendship shit that crybabies really love. All I’m saying is that Lassie let’s Timmy die in that well.

Trick #2: India is for queers. Oh the movie is set in exotic India! Magical things must happen if it’s in India! Then you’re like, oh it takes place in the ocean…Call it a stretch if you want, but I don’t think this movie would have gotten as much press if Pi was some white kid from the Podunks of America. The whole Hinduism thing adds a lot more of the mystical shit like what you get from the animals, and this attracts a huge audience because it’s new and exciting. It’s something most folks don’t see all the time. It’s a really good trick too, because even though Pi is Indian, he’s still really easy for crybabies…errr plagiarists…errr people to relate to. He’s a really nice guy. He was picked on growing up. He loves his family. He’s kind to animals. He’s spiritual, and looking for something more to his life…I feel another dead baby coming on. This isn’t bad necessarily, but for fuck’s sake don’t call it good. Personally, I blame this on all the yoga nazi’s aka fucking hippies. You know the ones that light incense and talk about new age medicine? Then when you tell them to go fuck themselves they smile and say Namaste. Do you douche fags actually know anything about actual yoga? Yoga is some serious religious shit that puts a lot of stress on the body and mind. It’s pretty fucking important to Hinduism and Buddhism and such, so good thing a bunch of fat white bitches turned it into exercise! Good one. Oh and they did already make this movie with a white guy, and it was called Cast Away (2000) with Tom Hanks. You know he’s having tantric sex while solving grail mysteries right now…Don you hear that? It’s the sound of all of our penises becoming useless…ewwwwww!

Trick #3: Visual Effects. When the movie sucks just slap a bunch of cool looking shit on the screen and hope for the best. Usually that’s enough. This trick is maybe the only thing that saves this movie. As much as I hate to admit it, this movie did look really good. The scene where Pi falls into the water as the ship is sinking, and he beholds it as it plunges into the black depths, with whatever lights are left just flickering, as he swims suspended in the water. Then later when he swims through a crystal clear pond contained in a circle of deep jungle green vegetation, and surrounded by thousands of meerkats. Then, of course, there’s any scene where his lifeboat sits calmly on the still ocean at night. The stars reflect off the water and make his boat appear to be floating in space. All of these visuals are very compelling, and I certainly can’t argue that they don’t captivate an audience. I even admit to thinking they looked pretty damn good. But still, when the movie lacks content, it just distracts the audience with shiny objects, as I’ve said before.  Though it’s not hard to argue that this movie has a lot of content and my third trick is irrelevant. I might let you have that one actually…but then the movie ends and I ran off to destroy China.

So after hundreds of days of survival against monstrous odds, Pi washes up on the Mexican shore. The tiger immediately runs off into the jungle to never be seen again. Pi expresses how sad this makes him, since the tiger was his only company the entire time, and he thought they were buddies. I was at least happy that he acknowledged how silly he was for thinking he could actually be friends with the fucking tiger. It spent two thirds of the movie trying to eat him after all. Still it’s one of those heart wrenching scenes that makes crybabies cry, and touch each other’s naughty parts. Pi finishes his story by describing how the company that owned the ship came to asked him what happened. He tells them his story about surviving with the tiger. They of course don’t believe him. So Pi tells them another story. In this new story Pi jumps onto the lifeboat followed by the goofy Japanese sailor who then breaks his leg. They float on the boat with the surly cook, Mr. thank heaven for pedophiles. Then his mother floats to the boat. Is this starting to sound familiar? Pi goes on to say that the cook murdered the Japanese sailor to use his body for bait to catch fish. After days of being at odds with each other the cook kills Pi’s mother. Pi in turn, kills the cook, and is left all alone.

Wait what? Oh yeah this is happening. So at this point the audience realizes that Pi made up the whole story about the tiger. The second story he told involving people was actually what happened to him while he was out on the ocean. Of course the writer of this film apparently thinks the audiences needs to have this explained very carefully, because we’re all idiots apparently, so he has the writer character explain the symbolism of each character and which animal represents them in the story out loud to himself. This also pissed me off because I again have to listen to this asshole, who is supposed to represent me as a member of the audience, explain the plot twist of the movie to me like I’m in kindergarten.  Go fuck yourself! So if you are a dumb dumb, I’ll just say that the zebra is the sailor, the orangutan is Pi’s mother, the hyena was the cook and Pi is the tiger. Pi was the fucking tiger the whole fucking time! Awesomely enough, I think the Jaguar in Max and the Cats also turned out not to be real. Great job guys…

So the movie tricked me. I don’t like being tricked. Well, I don’t mind being tricked if it’s like at the end of Fight Club (1999). In that case, when Edward Norton turning out to be Tyler Durden isn’t really a trick because then you look back and go, “Oh, that was obvious now that I think about it”. This movie just straight up lies. But even then that’s not what killed me.  Even though this kind of shit is a copout to impress idiots. As though his amazing tale of survival wasn’t enough to impress the audience, they have to throw this twist shit in at the end, because it’s, “thought provoking”. Fuck you. And so many fucking movies do this. I won’t list them because this review is already too long, but really think about how many movies you’ve seen with the, “Oh man! It was me the whole time!” ending. Garbage. Or any movie by M. Night Shammalamllamadingdong. But I still don’t believe in God yet Pi. You’d better deliver fucker.

So of course everyone he tells this to, wants to know why tell the story about the tiger in the first place? Pi explains it by saying that in both stories he survived against great odds, and he suffered greatly. He argues that the outcome of both stories is the same. Then he asks the faggot writer guy, which story he prefers. Of course the writer says he prefers the story with the tiger over the latter. The audience probably does as well, since we just sat through the last 2 hours watching it. Then Pi says that’s precisely correct. Just as it is with God. THE END!

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL SO HARD. SPOOJIRA’S #1 Hit single “Oh I Fuck YOU So Hard!”, will be hitting the stands just in time for Christmas. Believe in God now Motherfuckers! Believe in God now motherfuckers, is the title of the album.

This movie should have been called, “A Two Minute Conversation With Pi”. I just wrote the script.

Writer “Pi, please tell me your thoughts on religion.”

Pi “Well Captain Faggot, I think God transcends all religion and ideas thereof. It’s not the dogma or rituals that matter it’s one’s personal relationship with God that matters. Do you happen to have any relation to Robert Faggot? Oh well, fuck tigers.”

Writer “Derp.”

THE END.

Seriously. Fuck you Hollywood for making this movie. Of course liberal fascist Hollywood wanted to make this movie. The plot to this story is not only arrogant and self important, but it implies I actually need to watch it to become a better person and broaden my horizons. Readers, we don’t need movies to be aware of world problems. We just need to care about something other than what am I going to have for breakfast, or will I be able to take the weekend off, in order to be aware of what’s happening in the world. Watching a fucking movie most likely isn’t going to accomplish this. So yes, fuck you Ang Lee for giving us this piece of shit, that isn’t even original. It’s the plot to another fucking book! And we certainly don’t need to watch a movie to explore our spirituality. I won’t say that movies don’t often contain themes that help inspire thoughts, but fuck people it’s a movie. Movies aren’t real. Even movies about real things, aren’t fucking real. They’re all just stories, with the primary goal of entertaining the audience, and making loads of money for the untalented assholes that make them so they can lube each other’s dicks with gold before the Hollywood suck fest.

I love movies people. Way more than you do. So much that I had to burn China to the ground. If you take anything away from a movie draw from the way characters deal with conflict. Think of it as a window into human nature. Good stories will give you this. Bad stories will distract you with sentimentality and philosophical ideas you don’t really understand or care about anyway.

Still I will say that this film was very well made. The production value was excellent, and it is indeed one of the most visually striking movies I have ever seen. The acting was also very good. Except for the writer guy, of course. Suraj Sharma played young Pi on the boat. If I’m not mistaken it’s his first movie. I think he did an excellent job, and if he can keep this up, he has great potential to go far. As far as Ang Lee goes, I also hate to say it, but this is one of his best films. The themes, as gay as they are, are different from his other films that I have listed, and as previously mentioned the overall direction, production, and look of the film was excellent. So keep trying fuckbags. If you can stop jerking each other off for 5 fucking seconds. All we need now is a volleyball named Wilson to fuck each other with. Once it’s filled with spunk, we can crack it open like a coconut and drown ourselves in the milk, while Tom hanks cries like a bitch. SPOOJIRA!