When I watched this
film, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I had written it. Like maybe I went
on one of those 2-3 day blackouts I’m famous for and somehow managed to write a
script in between fucking whiskey bottles, raping dead hookers, and snorting crack
out of farm animal carcasses. Maybe the carcasses are alive, I don’t know I’m
blackout. There are some clues that lead me to believe I might have written
this movie. Actual clues though, not like those asinine clues left behind on
Scooby-Do. In real life Freddy beats up Daphne and forces her to have sex with
him pretty much all the time. She’s too afraid of him to say anything to the
others. Velma eventually takes her own life, because she’s so in love with
Freddy, and the only times he could bring himself to have sex with her was when
he was wasted, and even then he made her wear a bag over her head. This, of
course was after, her failed attempt to murder Daphne with a kitchen knife.
Freddy stopped her by beating the ever living shit out of her. He had a raging
boner the entire time. Every time Freddy gets a boner he thinks of his
father. We all know where that leads us,
now don’t we? Velma’s suicide note simply read, “Jinkies!”. Her glasses were never found. Daphne might
have killed herself too, if she hadn’t of been pregnant with Freddy’s baby. She
finally forced a miscarriage by throwing herself down the stairs three times.
She fled the city shortly after. I think she does porn now. Shaggy died weeks
before this from a heroin overdose in his apartment. The only reason anyone
ever found him is because the neighbors complained about the smell. When the
landlord finally opened the door they found Shaggy’s rancid body lying on the
ground. His face had already been eaten off by an emaciated Scooby-Do. Shaggy
traded Scrappy-Do for the junk that killed him. The police never found him, but
rest assured the underground sex trade is alive and well. Left all alone Freddy
tried to rob a gas station. He was shot to death by police while trying to
escape. Fortunately, Scooby was placed in a loving home. He was hit by a truck
not long after. Solve that mystery you pesky faggots!
Man, my Scooby-Do is
way better. Oh yeah clues! So the clues that led me to think I wrote this movie
are as followed:
Clue #1 Poorly
written. Story of my life.
Clue #2 This film does
nothing but complain about why everything
sucks while never offering a solution or an alternative. I mean come on…
Clue#3 The one solution
that the movie does offer is one man’s mission/vendetta to murder all the
shitty people worthless people that don’t deserve to live. Readers, need I say
more.
Ok fine, I did not
write this movie, but I maintain that this movie might have been written for
me. Though that doesn’t change the fact that I thought it sucked. Still, it was
a movie I was very curious about so I thought It was time I finally watched it,
and even though I thought it sucked I was thoroughly entertained the entire
time. So what writer/director can entertain me so? Well, it was Bobcat
Goldthwait.
Wait what? You mean
that guy from all the Police Academy movies? Oh yeah friends, that’s exactly
who I mean. To be more specifically he appeared in, Police Academy 2: Their
First Assignment (1985). Police Academy 3: Back in Training (1986), and Police
Academy 4: Citizens Patrol (1987). That of course does not include Police
Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach (1988) or Police Academy: Mission to Moscow
(1994). So many sequels! The original Police Academy (1984) was actually pretty
funny. It’s a standard story about misfits coming together. If anything, all
this police academy talk just makes me all nostalgic for Steve Guttenberg., one
of my top under rated actors from the 1980’s. If you haven’t seen such films
as, Diner (1982), Cocoon (1985), or Short Circuit (1986), then you’re missing
out on some classic shit. So stop fucking dudes’ butts and go to the video
store. Do they even still have video stores? Jesus!
Anyhow, besides the
police academy movies, Bobcat was also in stuff like Hot to Trot (1988) with
Richard Dreyfuss, and Scrooged (1988) with Bill Murray. They’re both pretty
good flicks. If you look at Bobcat’s filmography he has actually been in
infinite stuff, even as a voice actor in cartoons a lot of us grew up watching
like Eek! The Cat, Capitol Critters, Beavis and Butt-head, Duckman: Private
Dick/Family Man, and The Tick. Then he made appearances on famous TV shows like
Married With Children, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Herman’s Head (ok that one
flopped real fast but I thought it was funny), and Tales from the Crypt. That’s
only a taste of the cameos. He was even on ER for fuck’s sake. And he had his
own game show at some point, called Bobcat’s Big Ass Show. I watched it? Did
you? He got his start like most comedians doing stand-up comedy. He used to
perform at the same venue as Robin Williams once upon a time. Here’s a clip
from some of his stand-up just so you get a good idea of what we are dealing
with here. Watch it and don’t be a baby, this is how we analyze movies! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0qAfWWQJ5w
Scott Baio is the anti
Christ! If you liked my real life version of Scooby-Do then you’ll love what
really happens on Charles in Charge! Here’s a hint…none of it is good.
So if you’re thinking
to yourself, how is this weird screaming guy making movies worth paying
attention to? Well friends, talent comes in many forms I suppose. What I can
tell you is that God Bless America is (2011) not his first movie. Before that
he made World’s Greatest Dad (2009) starring Robin Williams, which makes sense
because they are probably buddies since they used to perform at the same place.
I watched World’s Greatest Dad a few years ago, and my response is probably
similar to what you’re thinking right now. Bobcat made a fucking movie? WTF!?
But it was actually really good, and if you haven’t seen it, I’d say it’s worth
a rental. It’s about a father, who is a failed writer. His son kills himself on
accident (one of the best deaths ever really), so he invents a different reason
and writes a suicide note, then hilarity ensues.
Now I grew up watching
a very wide variety of weird shit. This, of course, included Bobcat stuff on TV
with my old man. Now from what I know, the one thing I can tell you about him,
stand-up or not, all of his work involves dark themes and humor. Which if done
well, can be pretty god damn amazing. Now I’m not saying that World’s Greatest
Dad is goddamn amazing, but I thought it was a really good movie. So when God
Bless America came around I was ready for something cool. Alas, we almost get
there.
So real fast, who’s in this
fucking movie? The main character, Frank, is played by Joel Murray. Who the
fuck is that!? Oh you mean the guy that played Greg’s fat perverted friend Pete
on Dharma &Greg (1997-2002). Oh Jenna Elfman! Splooge! Wait what!? That
guy? Really? Oh yeah it’s him. His career hasn’t exactly been sparkling, but he
has done a lot of television, which leads me to think that he’s also friends
with Bobcat since Bobcat has done butt loads of TV shit. See friends, following
clues is important. Franks plucky sidekick, Roxy, is played by Tara Lynne Barr,
who has been in nothing you’d recognize. Even I had never seen her before. She
was born in 1993, however, so give her time. She’ll be exploiting her body for
roles in stuff before you can say blowjobs for crack.
This film is a little
Bonny and Clyde (1967), (Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. If you haven’t seen it
watch it dumb dumbs) mixed in with Natural Born Killers (1994) and My First
Mister (2001). Yes friends, I’m talking about the ULTRA gay movie where the
young goth girl forms and unlikely friendship with the middle aged store owner
guy that’s a tight ass. Staring Leelee Sobieski. She was the amazing young
actress in such illustrious films as Joan of Arc (1999), don’t confuse that
with The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc starring Milla Jovovich which also
came out in 1999. Good one guys. Leelee was also in The Glass House and Joy
Ride both in 2001. So feel free to skip those. On with the show.
Despite thinking God
Bless America sucks, I still enjoyed watching it so I’ll keep this part brief,
since you should probably go watch it. Here is the briefest possible plot
summary I can manage.
This is a movie about
being contrived. Ok, so that’s not actually what the movie is about, but that’s
what the movie is. Now if you don’t know what that means, don’t worry friends.
I fully expect you all to be stupid, so let me explain. If something is
contrived that means it has been excessively planned. So when you watch a film that is contrived,
everything that happens seems forced. Now, this isn’t always a bad thing, but
in general good writing just kind of flows on its own. I’m sure you’ve heard
the saying about how things, “write themselves”. The writing in this movie is 100% forced.
“Ummm, hey Mandrew…”
Yes readers.
“You realize that’s how
everything you write sounds right?”
Yes I suppose so.
“It’s like you look for
any excuse to talk about gross offensive things just for the sake of it.”
That’s one way to look
at it. I’m just venting my frustrations in a colorful way.
“Are you frustrated
because all your writing lacks substance?”
There’s a lot of things
that frustrate me. My own shortcomings included
“And why are you so obsessed with semen? Are
you gay?”
Good Talk readers, good
talk.
So that’s just it, this
movie was very obviously written for something very specific, and the flow is
dictated by an obvious, spunk on your face, agenda. So we have Frank. He is a
middle aged fat guy. Frank’s life sucks. He’s divorced, and his kid is a huge
spoiled bitch who hates him. Despite having very little in his life to live
for, Frank is still a very nice man. He’s a very respectful, polite, and
thoughtful person. He did his time in the military, and afterward he had a
traditional life in mind, but it just didn’t work out. To make things worse,
Frank is pissed about everything he sees. This is where the agenda comes in.
The entire movie Frank is bombarded by the worst things about America. Now, I’m
going to dance around this as much as I can or we’ll be here all day. Just
remember this movie is a dark humorous satire. Satire is that thing that actual
stupid people will never understand. I won’t explain, just be better at stuff
friends. I’m rooting for you here.
This is the best way I
can explain the agenda of this movie. At the beginning of the movie Frank is
watching TV and he is bombarded with all the shit that we might see on TV now,
except exaggerated…or is it!? DUM DUM DUMB!
He sees a lot of awful
things, like EXTREME energy drink commercials! He sees a Jersey Shore type show.
I think we can all agree those people should be euthanized. And yet their show
is so popular…hmm weird…do you see where this is going. He also sees a horrible
reality show where a girl throws a used tampon at another girl. Then there’s
the films fictional version of American Idol called, American Super Starz.
Bobcat must be really pissed at this show because the American Super Starz
follows Frank around the entire film. Now don’t get me wrong, the show American
idol makes me want to gouge out my own eyes like Oedipus Rex. And he had sex
with his mom, so you know I’m serious! If you don’t know what that means then I
suggest you go watch something on Tivo. And by that I meant ram your face into
the TV as fast and as hard as you can. I’ll rape your corpse when I have time,
so don’t worry. I’d also like to remind you all that someone already made a
satire type film about American idol, and it was called American Deams (2006).
This movie is actually pretty funny, and the ending makes the whole thing worth
it, so I’d say it’s worth a watch if you haven’t seen it. This also reminds us
as an audience that Bobcat isn’t doing anything new here.
The American Super
Starz show features a team of Judges, one specifically supposed to mirror that
Simon guy, as they make horrid fun of this retarded kid that gets up to sing.
There’s more stuff in this scene, so like I said go see for yourselves. Truth
be told, I thought they were all pretty clever, but as I said, very contrived.
Now on top of this,
every single person Frank interacts with is the most shallow, vacuous,
atrocious douchbag piece of shit you’ve ever met in your entire life, with
nothing more intelligent to talk about then what other awful celebrities are
doing. I’m not joking here. The characters in this movie are intentionally
terrible, and I mean the worst, to help keep the point of the film on task.
This is something I like and dislike at the same time. I like this as a plot
device because, in my opinion, the majority of people I interact with are
absolutely terrible as I have described. However I know not everyone is this
way…at least I think so. That’s not important though. What is important is that
these, “not awful” humans are not represented in this movie, really at all,
except through the main character Frank, and he goes around murdering people.
Oops spoilers! Only representing the film’s idea of “good” with the main
character is pretty convenient, and probably just lazy writing, but it works as
far as the story is concerned. Now the “awful” characters, which is everyone
but Frank, are represented as I have described, and while this also works for
the story I think Bobcat could have done better. Even shitty characters deserve
a chance to be well developed. Instead all the non Frank characters are really
flat and uninteresting, since they serve no purpose but to make the audience
like Frank. Yes this plot device works just fine, but I’d argue that even
shitty characters deserve some dignity. Even the worst character you can think
of can be well rounded and interesting. The more interesting characters a story
has, the better the story is. It doesn’t seem like Bobcat is interested in
telling a great story because he’s obviously got a lot on his mind, and it
shows through the writing. So instead of having a lot of interesting
characters, the audience is forced to throw all their eggs into Franks basket,
since he’s the only character with any depth at all. While it is fine, I still
would like to see more. As a result, the audience get’s an idea very quickly
that Frank is all alone. He even has a large argument with one of his
co-workers about why American Super Starz is a horrible show. Here’s the actual
dialogue to give you an idea.
Frank: It's not nice to
laugh at someone who's not all there. It's the same type of freak-show
distraction that comes along every time a mighty empire starts collapsing.
"American Superstarz" is the new coliseum and I won't participate in
watching a show where the weak are torn apart every week for our entertainment.
I'm done, really, everything is so "cool" now. I just want it all to
stop. I mean, nobody talks about anything anymore. They just regurgitate
everything they see on TV, or hear on the radio or watch on the web. When was
the last time you had a real conversation with someone without somebody texting
or looking at a screen or a monitor over your head? You know, a conversation
about something that wasn't celebrities, gossip, sports, or pop politics. You
know, something important, something personal.
This is the whole
fucking movie. Just Frank rambling on with these huge long diatribes. Now I
actually like dialogue like this in a lot of cases. One of my favorite movies
with very contrived dialogue is Brick (2005). I recommend it to everyone. Also
Chasing Amy (1997). It’s Kevin Smith’s only actual GOOD movie. The rest in
pretty entertaining I’ll admit, but it just stands out above the rest. But do
you see what I mean about the movie having an agenda? Then, all in one day,
Frank, loses his job and finds out he has a terminal brain tumor. So let’s
review. Frank is actually a really nice guy, but he thinks everyone is terrible
and the world has gone to hell in a hand basket, and after am lifetime of being
shit on, he’s going to die and all the shitty worthlessness of America will
thrive on without him, so what’s a man to do? Well go on a killing spree
obviously. It makes sense. This is one of those things that “normal” people
might not want to admit, but given the option I think a fair amount of people
who work hard for very little might do the same if they were in Frank’s shoes.
So I like this, because it makes the audience stop and actually consider for a
second what they would do. And even if they wouldn’t go on a killing spree,
they don’t blame Frank for his actions, and later you find yourself rooting for
the guy that kills everyone. When this happens it’s usually because of really
good writing. In the case of this movie though, it’s almost good writing.
Instead I’d argue that we root for Frank because he’s all we get. It’s just a byproduct
of having awful characters, except for one.
After Frank get’s the
news about his brain tumor, he sits at home watching TV and drinks excessively.
He watches a show that’s supposed to resemble that fucking show on MTV My Super
Sweet 16. This show features outrageously rich bitches being showered with
stuff they don’t deserve just because they made it to sixteen without dying.
The girl on the show is probably the worst thing I’ve ever seen, so when Frank
decides to go murder this girl, the audience is right on board. I’ll admit I
was stoked about it.
Shortly after this
Frank teams up with young Roxy, who attends school with the girl Frank
murdered. Roxy is very much like Frank and shares his view of the world. So
then the movie goes on and the duo murders a lot of shitty people. They kill
the shitty girl’s parents, because they’re just as bad if not worse. They kill
the horrible group of douchbags and jocks at the movies. The kill the shit out
of the religious prick who protests funerals with his God hates fags signs, and
a super mean super conservative political commentator that spreads fear for his
own agenda. The whole time this is happening they’re driving around in a bright
yellow Camaro, and somehow never get caught.
Bobcat reconciles the
murdering and the fact that the audience has to root for these people in a
couple different ways. First and foremost, as I’ve already described, they only
kill “shitty” people. So it’s like when Dexter murders other murderers on the
show DEXTER. The people being killed are bad, so we don’t care. Then we get the
father/daughter relationship that develops between Frank and Roxy. They
practice shooting together. They go to the fair together. They talk about their
feelings, and they kill douchbags together. Just like my family. Just replace
everything I just wrote with excessive bickering, tears, and copious amounts of
booze. I stopped going to holidays years ago after I disowned everyone I was
related to except for my parents. Every other time I drank till I passed out,
or pretended to sleep till it was time to leave. My pretend sleep record is
nine hours. Now that’s an American family! Lastly, Frank is just always really
polite. He even refuses Roxy’s advances, because he doesn’t want to take
advantage of a child. Frank is a good dude, despite the killing spree. So then
the movie just goes on like this, then some more stuff happens, and it’s over.
Just watch it. Here’s my main beef, and we’ll wrap this shit up.
The writing is lazy.
Not once during this whole movie does Frank stop to wonder if he’s doing the
right thing. We know he’s dying and has nothing to lose, but still, not a
single time does Frank stop and think about what he’s doing. And since he’s the
only character that matters, I’d say that’s a pretty important thing for character development. I think
Frank should have at least stopped to consider his actions, but instead
everything is pretty cut and dry. This movie was very entertaining, but it could
have been really GOOD if Bobcat would have put more time into the characters.
Like maybe Frank could have murdered someone that turned out to not be
terrible, and he had to do some real deep thinking to find his way. That’s a
little cliché I’ll admit, but I’m just spitballing here. Insert anything into the
plot that would make Frank have a change of heart, or anything would inspire
thought in any of the characters. It could be a million different things, and
that’s fine and acceptable because people can be very complicated. Then as the
audience we follow Frank along his path and experience his thoughts as he
changes as a person, then decide to be on his side or not at the exact same
moment he picks his path. But Frank can’t do this because all the other
characters are so fucking FLAT. Even Roxy is just an extension of Frank.
They’re practically the same character, and this is just aggravated by the unlikely
friendship thing that’s been done to death. I’ve mentioned this in other blogs,
you know what it’s all about. It’s a shame to me that Bobcat wasn’t interested
in telling a great story. World’s Greatest Dad is similar, but I think it’s a
better movie, for the reason I have listed. My other main beef has to do with
Bobcat’s disinterest is story telling. The whole movie is about why Bobcat is
personally mad at America. At some point Frank says this:
Frank: [On the air] My
name is Frank. That's not important. The important question is: who are you?
America has become a cruel and vicious place. We reward the shallowest, the
dumbest, the meanest and the loudest. We no longer have any common sense of
decency. No sense of shame. There is no right and wrong. The worst qualities in
people are looked up to and celebrated. Lying and spreading fear is fine as
long as you make money doing it. We've become a nation of slogan-saying,
bile-spewing hatemongers. We've lost our kindness. We've lost our soul. What
have we become? We take the weakest in our society, we hold them up to be
ridiculed, laughed at for our sport and entertainment. Laughed at to the point,
where they would literally rather kill themselves than live with us anymore.
Ok here we go. To begin
with I agree with everything that quote just said 100%. This is a blog, and in
it is my opinion, and I can honestly say that sums up how I feel about America
in this day and age. There’s a big BUT here though friends. Even though that’s
how I feel about the country I was born in, and live in I still recognize that
this is fucking America and we’re all pretty fucking lucky to live here. I
won’t say America is the best country in the world, but we all have it pretty
god damn good. Even at our worst we still have it better than the majority of
people all over the world. I’m a white male in America between the ages of 18
and 40. No one has it easier than me. I get to wake up and choose what I want
to eat. Pretty much anything I want, and as much as I’d like. I have a job that
pays me way more than I deserve, and I get to look at beautiful women all the
time. I’m in good health and free of disease. If you chuckled there, I don’t
blame you. I have spent the last decade doing everything in my power to catch
every sexually transmitted disease there is. I JUST CAN’T GET AIDS DAMNIT! But
yes, there’s no plague, no Aids epidemic, no one comes to my town and kills me
for no reason. Things here are pretty relaxed. It’s America. Things aren’t
great, but they’re sure as shit not bad. And my rights to spew my bile on the
internet are protected. For now anyway. And just as I can be the piece of shit
that I am freely, so can all other shitty people.
So Bobcat, instead of
making a movie that serves no purpose but to vent your own personal frustration
why don’t you do something more productive with your time. Like make better
fucking movies! Make better shit and raise the standards and force the rest to
make better stuff too. What a wonder it would be if we actually cared about art
and telling amazing stories again. Our oral history is pretty fucking important
I’d say. Movies have become ingrained in it. Or God fucking forbid, instead of
bitching like an asshole (yes I’m aware of the irony readers just chill out)
you propose solutions. God Bless America complains and offers nothing as an
alternative. If only I had a fraction of the resources these Hollywood
fuckheads have. Instead all they do is waste their time and efforts to jerk off
on themselves. That’s all this movie is. Masturbation. That and any dialogue
Tarantino has ever written. ZING! Then I remember this movie is supposed to be
a satire and inspire thoughts and stuff. So maybe this was Bobcat’s plan the
whole time. I just can’t say for sure. If you want to watch a movie that’s
actually good and deals with a lot of these same themes I’d highly recommend
you go watch Falling Down (1993). It’s got Michael Douglas and Robert Duvall.
It’s got everything in it that would have made God Bless America a truly great
movie.
The problems in this
country won’t just fix themselves, especially if the only people leading the
way are crybaby rich assholes that make movies like this. We have to band
together as a people and agree to stop being short sighted. Teach our children
not to be obsessed with wealth and beauty. Not to be selfish, and decadent. To
not fear and hate things they don’t understand, and certainly not the rest of
the world. We have to teach our children to care about our greater good as
species before we all go extinct. Because in the end, all we have is each
other. That’s how it was before we had TV and cell phones, and it’s very
plausible that’s how it will be again. If the world does come to an end and
everyone still acts the way they do now, you can count on people like me
hunting the rest of you for food. I say this with complete sincerity. I will
hunt you for food. That’s what God Bless America should have been about. It
would probably have made for a much more interesting plot.
But honestly I’ll
probably just drink myself to death instead, because I’m just a lazy American
douchbag. Good One.