Reveiw One Straw Dogs

So this movie sucks. This movie sucks so bad it scrapes the crusty shit out of my ass hair with its teeth. 

This movie is part Sweet Home Alabama, mixed with The Last House on the Left. Then throw in a dash of Home Alone, and a character arch from 28 Days Later. You could probably throw in a little bit of Breakdown, but only because it has Kurt Russell in it. And I LOVE Kurt Russell.

To begin with, Straw Dogs, written and Directed by Rod Lurie, is a remake of the 1971 “classic” (are you ready for this?) Straw Dogs, which was adapted from the 1969 British novel, Siege of Trencher’s Farm.  Congratulation to Hollywood for making yet another remake that should have been aborted like the obese kid with down syndrome that broke my ribs senior year of high school. I realize all he wanted was a hug, and that’s fine, but he needs to realize that he’s  gross and retarded and we all wish retarded people were dead.

(If you laughed at that you’re a bad fucking person.  Even though we all really do wish retarded people were dead. Especially me.)

Though I suppose someone has to push your fucking grocery carts back inside the store, or mop floors so there’s at least one white person with all the Mexican’s also mopping floors, except faster.  Or maybe he picks up trash that other fat fucking retards, that aren’t labeled as retarded, (by that I mean normal Americans) drop on the ground. Or maybe his job is to run around screaming accosting peoples’ ribs, which is why he should have been aborted. Thanks for nothing Jesus!

Anyhow, that’s how I feel about Straw Dogs.

Dear Hollywood,

Stop fucking making remakes. Stop making everything.

So I have the word “classic” in quotes because the original 1971 version stars Dustin Hoffman. If he’s in a movie it has to be good…RIGHT?! Alas friends, this is no Tootsie. I don’t expect you to know what that is, but go watch it I suppose. Guys that dress like girls are funny! Oh boy!

Go fuck yourselves you Mrs. Doubtfire loving pieces of shit.

One might also call it a classic for contextual purposes. Now if you don’t know what that means, don’t worry it’s not entirely your fault. I blame people like Michael Bay for making atrocious films, such as: Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys, Bad Boys 2, Armageddon, or any of the Transformers movies. These films  bombard  the viewer with characters, that are actually exploding cars and gas tankers running through other giant things that make no sense or have any other purpose than to explode some more, all before Optimus Prime’s robot wiener explodes energon all over Ben Affleck’s face. The moral being that movies like this have no story or characters really, so there’s  no point in understanding or caring about anything, especially context. If you like any of these movies please stop reading this blog right now. Then look around for the nearest sharp object and stab yourself in the eye. I’ll be sitting at home jerking off to the thought. It’s pretty much all I do.

 WELCOME TO THE FUCKING ROCK! Ok, I did like that one…but barely.

CONTEXT! Context refers to the interrelated conditions in which something exists or occurs. Now that’s right out of the Dictionary.  This means  that  we, the contemporary audience  in 2012, can go watch movies made in the 1970’s and get an idea of how people thought and acted during that time and compare it to how we think and act now. This information tells us why the movie was made how it was compared to how we do things today. It’s almost a permanent link to our past, part of our verbal history, but in cinematic form. Which is, unfortunately, why remakes happen in my opinion. It fulfils an irrational need to update the past and make it our own. It’s a sick form of validation really. Just a bunch of people that think they’re so fucking intelligent or revolutionary just masturbating all over each other. It’s also why Hollywood pricks take Shakespeare plays and Frankenstien  them into movies like, 10 Things I Hate About You (Taming of the Shrew) , She’s The Man (Twelfth Night), and O (Othello). Gay, gay, big fucking bag of gay! Now that’s a very short list. Were I to list every single Shakespeare play made into a movie we’d be here all day. There are a few good ones, however, like Forbidden Planet (The Tempest), and of course West Side Fucking Story (Romeo and Juliet). If you haven’t seen these movies take the sharp object out of your eye and go watch them for fuck’s sake! I’ll even stop touching myself to the thought of your dead body and watch them with you.

Another great example of contextualism is old cartoons. Old cartoons are outrageously fucking racist not to mention violent. Most of all Bugs Bunny. They’re so fucking racist all the granola eating, dredlock fucking, I didn’t watch TV growing up because my parents fucked each other in the ass at WoodStock, I’m so smart because I went to community college and did my homework in a coffee shop hippies, would shit up their own backs.  Which would explain the smell. Here’s a link to a clip from Lady and the Tramp. This is a classic Disney movie from 1955, which I love. There’s a good chance you love it too, but would you ever see a scene like this in something your stupid bastards would watch today? Probably not. Watch it! Do it! Then keep reading.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpPGE_SKtA4  I’ve also including some general clips of cartoons from various eras. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH4ivOyO0PQ

So what’s this movie about? I suppose it’s time to cover that. The plot of the original 1971 version has David Sumner (Dustin Hoffman) move from America to a rural British town with his wife Amy (who cares) who was at one point a resident. David decides they should move to bumpkin town so he can work on his book in peace and quiet. His wife has mixed feelings, because well, she left for a reason now didn’t she? I’m not even married to the bitch and I can tell you that right off the bat. Dumbasses.  Obviously shit doesn’t work for the couple. Mainly because an ex-lover of Amy, Charlie, who still lives in this stupid town, is a pissed off, abusive, small-minded, British redneck.  Though Charlie probably wouldn’t be mad that the woman he’s been obsessing over for years, shows up again with a pansy ass faggot American douche hole…right? Dumbasses.

So then what happens…well Charlie and his buddies are really fucking mean to David. But David is a pussy, so he doesn’t do anything. They even ogle the shit out of Amy, to a point where it’s grossly inappropriate. But he’s a pussy and does nothing. There’s a lot of passive aggressive awkward dialogue, and it’s obvious the no one likes each other, but nothing happens. Till all of a sudden David and Amy find their cat murdered. David and Amy presume it was Charlie.

Yes folks, cat murder.  Now this plot twist, which you shouldn’t even call it that, is just fucking stupid. It’s a total copout. This tells me that the characters are so fucking bland and irrelevant that the only way to get the audience on their side really, is to bleed the pussy. Killing an innocent animal illicits a very specific emotional response (because everyone is a faggot obviously) that finally sets sides for the audience.  Before this happens we have David, who is a rich douche bag and a pussy, and Charlie who’s a shitty mean redneck stereotype, but British. Then there’s Amy, who does nothing but be a poor man’s eye candy. She the kind of thing kids might have jerked off to before there was such a thing as dial-up or scrambled porn on cable. It’s the kind of desperate masturbation you’d feel bad about doing after you did it. Like heroin, but on your pee-pee. Amy is a fugly whore, that’s all I’ll say.

 Though that’s also contextual folks. Every decade or so the things that define beauty and hotness change. It’s how we go from Marilyn Monroe to Kate Moss, or James Bond Sean Connery to Justin Bieber. So maybe the gal that played Amy was really hot in 1971. Though I’d personally rather jerk it to Jabba the Hut with a sink scour pad.  I promise I will talk about this topic more in depth at some point, especially when dealing with movie heroines, but if I do it now I’ll never finish this damn review. On that note, the movie almost wouldn’t change if Amy wasn’t even there. They could just talk about her and it would be the same. The characters suck so they kill a cat.

And the cat killing is not shocking like the horse head in The Godfather (even though it came out 1 year after Straw Dogs in 1972), it’s not endearing like when Travis has to shoot Old Yeller ( I mean the fucker had rabies. Kill his bitch ass, go get your bastard brats a new puppy so the immediately forget about what a good ol’ dog Yeller was, and feed his viral corpse the hippies that live across the street, so they die a horrible vomiting death. God I hate hippies. What if Old Yeller started the zombie apocalypse because the hillbillies ate him? He has rabies dummies! Now that’s a movie I’d go see.), neither is it the ultra gay “I really hate remakes!”  when they rehash Old yeller’s death in I Am Legend.

 Fuck Will Smith by the way. I Am Legend is a movie adaptation of the graphic novel I Am legend published in 1991 I think, which is a straight rip off of the Omega man starring Charlton Heston also 1971, which is more or less a remake of The Last Man On Earth starring Vincent Price, which was adapted from Richard Matheson’s  1954 novel,  I Am Legend, so nothing was actually ever ripped off because Hollywood just keeps eating its own shit puking it up and eating it all over again! Sweet one-eyed baby Odin Jesus! Old Yeller gets rabies, kid shoots dog with rabbis, everyone is sad. Will Smith has rock-hard abs, his dog gets vampirism, he shoots dog with vampirism, everyone is sad, Will smith has rock-hard abs. Fuck shit cock ass! Then some English guys kill a cat.

Killing the cat also isn’t funny like when Kevin Kline eats Wanda the fish in A Fish Called Wanda, or gory funny when Mark Wahlberg shoves the decapitated head of dog through the doggie door in Fear. Wrong place, wrong time dog. And it certainly doesn’t make you cringe a little like when the bunny gets boiled in Fatal Attraction. The moral of the story is that killing the cat is just bad writing. Much like the whole movie.

So now the cat is dead and you hate Charlie, and you’re forced to sort of like David, but not really because again, he does nothing. So far let’s see what we have here. English redneck guy is not only bigger and meaner than me, he hates me, wants to fuck my wife because he used to fuck her and he hates me, and he killed my cat. Maybe I should say or do…NAW! I’ll just sit here. I have a book to write!

PALM TO FACE!

After nothing happens,  Charlie figures out a way to lure David away from Amy for some male bonding that turns out to bogus, and they ditch him out in the swamp. While David continues to be worthless, Charlie and his buddies go back to the house and rape Amy. It’s like we knew the unstable redneck guy with rage problems that used to fuck Amy but can’t anymore because she fucking some douche that isn’t as traditionally masculine as Charlie might do something drastic…NAW! Totally unexpected…Oh wait, because here’s what happened.

As I stated earlier Amy’s only role in this movie is to be eye candy. Contextually ugly, boner shrinking, ball shriveling, eye candy.  One of the first scenes in the fucking movie is Amy running around with no bra, nipples popping all over the place, pointing in all sorts of directions like some ancient star chart for Viking navigation. I’m trying to say her boobs are hideous. The only thing worse are those, ultra saggy,  I never wear a bra because I’m in touch with my inner goddess, tree humping, I’m so stoked cause it’s 1920 and I can vote, burn my bra, I am women hear me roar faggot hippie bullshit. Fuck I hate hippies. They’re the kind of floppy pancake boobs you just know are swaying back and forth under some patchouli covered slut’s homemade tunic. They stare at you like God stares at sinners on judgment day…or something…I don’t know they’re ugly!

That’s not the only scene where she’s letting it all hang out either. Her girl parts are pretty much on display for the whole movie. There’s one scene where she notices Charlie and his buddies staring at her with “Hungry Eyes”, if you will, so she complains to David, her husband. His input you asked? “Maybe you should wear a bra”. Direct quote. Best part of the whole movie in my opinion.  This is so fucking funny, because not only does it perfectly define David as worthless, but it also implies that Amy getting raped is her own fault, which is hysterical. Rape in itself is pretty funny if you think about it. Now I know what you’re thinking, AKA I know what you’re thinking women and hippies AKA crybabies, but here’s the thing…listening to a rape joke is a lot like rape itself…it’s easier if you just let it happen. BAM! POW! BOO-YAH!

Ok settle down. So you don’t think rape is funny, whatever let’s move on. Also remember I didn’t write this piece of shit, I’m just talking about it. So obviously getting raped isn’t the victim’s fault, except Amy did that thing where, to get back at David for the bra comment, she went and showed her breasts to Charlie and his buddies. So let’s review. Emotionally unstable, prone to violence, redneck stereotype, who I used to fuck but don’t anymore because now I fuck a guy that the emotionally unstable prone to violence redneck stereotype guy thinks is inferior to him in every way and is pissed about it, who also stares at me inappropriately all the fucking time. Oh, and my husband, who this guy really really hates, is a pussy and never stands up for me. Girls, let me ask you…with all that in mind do you show them your bare breasts? FUCK NO! THEY WILL RAPE YOU.

And that’s what happens. It’s a pretty standard, why am I watching this rape scene. I might think rape is funny, but rape scenes are long and not entertaining to watch.  Unless you have a rape fetish…in which case I suggest you watch such famous rape scenes as Jodi Foster on the pinball machine in The Accused. Ned Beatty squeals like a pig in Deliverance. The black chick gangbang in Show Girls, oh Jessie Spano ALAS! Ving Rhames gets the gymp in Pulp Fiction. Monica Bellucci in Irreversible. Then there’s The Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn, Last House on the Left, and the list goes on and on. All those scenes I’ve listed are far too long and graphic for most audiences so often enough shit gets the fast forward or turned off. Though there is a strong point about contextualism to be made here involving the rape scene that I’ll talk about in a moment.

But before that here is a list a legitimately funny rape scenes you should probably watch: Biker dyke gets face fucked by baby monster in The Feast. Yes folks it’s a puppet. Girl gets raped by giant freaky green flying alien monster in Galaxy of Terror. Also a puppet. Girl’s vagina is violated by decapitated zombie head in Re-Animator. And of course who could forget when girl is raped by zombie monster tree in Evil Dead. She gets wood…WOOD! Do you get it? COME ON!

Contextualism you fucking crybabies! Original Straw Dogs was made in 1971, and if you know anything about cinematic history, you would know that at this time there wasn’t a lot of super graphic material in mainstream movies. Especially if compared to modern films. The thing to consider about the 70’s is that audiences are seeing the emergence of directors like, Spielberg, Scorsese, Coppola, Kubrick, and even George “you ruined my childhood” Lucas makes the list. Obviously these guys made stuff before the 1970’s, but that was the decade that really shined, where cinema started to kick ultra ass. What came out around this time you ask? Kubrick gave us A Clockwork Orange in 1971, also featuring a fairly graphic rape scene. Scorsese made Taxi Driver in 1976. Jodi Foster plays a teenage prostitute. No wonder she got raped on that pinball machine. Coppola gave us The Godfather in 1972. That movie is filled with awful things and gunfire. And Spielberg of course gifted us with Jaws in 1975. People’s limbs are bitten off, children are eaten, and blood shoots all over the place. These movies helped to revolutionize cinema as we know it. So in the context of rape, all of a sudden a rape scene isn’t just there to be distasteful or fill time, it’s meant to push the envelope of storytelling. The type of art that punches the audience in the face, forcing them to pay attention. Violence, in a lot of ways, is the last true form of communication. Graphic violence is one of the only things left that can still make fat, complacent, apathetic, anyone (but probably white middle to upper class Americans) say, “Hold on second!” Violence is thought provoking, and can spur people into action. Or it makes George Clooney suck his own cock at the Oscars. Thanks Hollywood! You saved us!

Faggots.

The end all is that there is a place for everything in movies. EVERYTHING. So stop crying like a bunch of bitches and like stuff!

Of course, this also hinges on whether or not the movie is made well and the scenes are appropriate. The 1971 Straw Dogs has contextualism on its side, while the 2011 remake has no excuses. The movie is bad, and the rape scene is bad, though slightly more tame then a lot of the rape scenes I have previously listed. I’ll get to that shortly. For those of us that are still crying about rape, the only thing I can offer you is a few films where the rape victims take revenge, such as Teeth. The girl chops most penis off I’ve ever seen. And who could forget I Spit On Your Grave, packed full of even more wiener chopping. It’s funny how women never seem to complain when a penis is removed from the body. Female empowerment is a funny thing isn’t gang? Why don’t you all just calm down and go read Fifty Shades of Grey again you hypocrite crybabies. Die in a fire.

So then what happens in the movie?! Well Amy doesn’t tell David about the rape, so the couple continues to be awful and worthless and the movie goes nowhere, until there’s a murder! Oh snap! Oh wait because it’s of a character I have haven’t even mentioned yet because frankly no one fucking cares.

So to start there is this giant retarded guy named Henry. Ok so they don’t say he’s retarded directly, but it’s heavily implied. On top of that he’s a know pedophile. Yes folks, in this town they let giant retards with retard strength that occasionally like to rape kids, just shamble around like Lurch from the fucking Adams Family.  And yet everyone is so surprised when they can’t find young Janice. I haven’t mentioned Janice yet because like the rest of the characters, who cares. Her only purpose in the movie is to be murdered by Muderface Mc Retardpants. So Henry kills Janice. Not only does he kill her, he gives her the Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men. Lennie is also a giant retard who at some point carries a dead puppy around in his pocket after he hugged it to death. He fucking hugged it to death! Remember when I warned you about retards earlier? Fucking cockballs!

Obviously after this happens, everyone is pissed. Especially Janice’s father, who also happens to be the town patriarch. His name is Tom, and I also didn’t mention him because he does nothing till the very end.  Janice also happens to be Charlie’s cousin. Jesus!

So now we have an angry mob ready to lynch a kid murdering retard. Now we’re talking! Oh wait…enter David. By some random happenstance David steps in to save Henry from the mob. All of a sudden David decides it’s time to stand up for something. Not himself, not his cat, and certainly not his wife, but the child murdering pedophile retard…PALM TO FACE! Who wrote this shit?! Fucking seriously! Sweet tap dancing spread over a cracker Christmas Jesus! I take it back, don’t kill the retard kill worthless guys like David and keep him from breeding. This makes me too mad, we have to move on.

David, the retard, and Amy, who is super pissed at David for this awesome decision, all take refuge at their house. The Mob of course follows and lays siege. That’s right, lay fucking siege. British people can’t help but storm castles and shit. Though you may not know that I stormed your mom’s castle just the other day…ZING! The mob of course consists of Tom, Janice’s father, who has gone completely insane, Charlie, and his buddies. Also known as the guys that raped Amy. They make it quite clear that if David doesn’t turn over Henry, the shit is going to hit the fan.

Again, out of nowhere, David decides to make a stand, though at least at this point one could argue Fight or Flight, but I think it’s just overall bad writing. Then by some miraculous and convenient feat of David (or lazy writing whatever) David kills them all as they try and kill him. Well David gets them all except for one that Amy mops up with a shotgun or something THE END!

 What a bad fucking movie right!? Awful fucking story and poor execution. At the end of the day, however, Straw Dogs is a human nature flick about what people are capable of when placed in a high tension situation. Given the context of 1971 I’ll forgive this film because at the time it was one of a kind, more or less. Writers and directors were starting to explore the nature of things in graphic cinema. Now the 2011 remake has no fucking excuses. It’s just bad.

So how does all this relate to the remake? Here it is as briefly as possible:

The two movies are very similar. Like almost the exact same similar. So similar in fact one might argue why remake it at all? Like the A Nightmare on Elm Street remake. That movie was almost frame for frame an exact copy of the original 1984 version. Except when the one guys shoots himself full of adrenaline and instead of his heart exploding from the stress, he almost instantly falls asleep. PALM TO FACE!  Again part of that irrational need to update old stuff to validate our contemporary existence. Stop it Hollywood! But yes, everything I just said happened in the original Straw Dogs happened in the remake, even the, “Maybe you should wear a bra” line. Awesome.

So it starts out like Sweet Home Alabama where Reese Witherspoon goes home to her rural redneck town after hitting it big in Hollywood. The audience immediately expects shenanigans because its city meets country. We’ve seen this theme before in lots of different movies, and I could name you a thousand, but instead I’ll just name my favorite, which is City Slickers with Billy Crystal. Less bad writing please, and more Jack Palance doing one-armed push-ups at the Oscars. Rest in peace Curly.

Straw dogs relies heavily on this dichotomy to work, and by 2011 its cliché as hell and just plain bad.  Obviously the attractive girl with a past in redneck town  is going to have trouble when she brings her worthless douche bag rich prick husband home to roost.

This brings me to the last important point I’d like to make about why I hate this movie. It takes the easy way out and makes the redneck the bad guy, like in every other fucking movie I’ve ever seen. Now if you’re scratching your head right now and thinking something like, “But wait Mandrew I thought rednecks were the bad guys, herp da derp I’m a fag!” Exactly.

This is the point in the review where I admit that you’ve all fallen into my trap. I bet you were a little offended when I said retards should be killed, or when I ranted about rape being funny, but what about all the times I used redneck as a derogatory way to describe people and how they act. Bet you just skipped right over that one didn’t you, because you wine drinking, chest shaving, yoga doing, book club having, my parents paid my college tuition so I could smoke infinite weed, and be worthless but still talk about how I know everything fucking hippies, probably think most rednecks are bad racists people. Not true, but thanks form playing.

Feel free to get mad and try and turn this around on me since I hate hippies so much. Don’t care. I’m not a liberal, and I’m not a conservative, in case you were curious. I’m just a guy who’s pissed at people for being bad at stuff, be it small minded townies or lazy story writers that take advantage of the opinions of small minded townies, hence all rednecks are bad. The original Straw Dogs does this similarly but with British people. It’s an easy fucking scapegoat. British people work as bad guys in the original for a few reasons: first being that it’s easy for Americans to be afraid of foreigners. People in other countries have customs we think are weird, which translates to fear in a lot of cases. Second there’s less security being in another country where you are the minority. Especially in a rural town far removed from traditional civilization. Think about how the movie Hostel plays on people’s fears when they’re traveling. The idea of being murdered half a world away from your home with no help available, and no one knowing what happened to you, is kind of a frightening thought. Doesn’t change the fact that Hostel is a bad movie. All any of this shit does is play to irrational fears that complacent Americans have. But again in 1971 you could get away with it. The cold war was still in effect, America was finishing up with Vietnam, there was that one crisis with missiles that almost ended the world, and the list goes on. I’d even argue that the majority of what common Americans knew about Britain probably came watching The Beetles, and they were fucking weird weren’t they? It makes sense. As silly as it seems now.

Still, the contemporary translation into rednecks, makes me furious. It makes me so mad I want to strap dead babies full of dynamite to my body and suicide bomb every coffee shop I see. People get really mad when they see or hear words like nigger, kike, faggot, and cunt. I bet a lot of you are pissed that I just wrote that shit down. Get over it please while I make my point, since I’m willing to bet that a lot of you are simply outraged because you’ve been programmed by after school specials to be outraged, since we’re all so advanced now right?

Oh please. As a writer I’ll be the first to say that words definitely have power. But what we should remember is that we give those words power. The “hate” words I listed only carry hate, because of people who say them with hate in their heart. If I call someone a redneck with hate in my heart, how is that different from the fucking N WORD?! It’s not at all. If any of you crybabies continue to disagree, that’s fine, I’m even willing to start a forum where we can discuss this in greater depth.

But for movies to continually use this stereotype of all rednecks being racists, drunk, abusive, raping, cavemen is tired, old and unnecessary. All it does is placate the liberal fascism of Hollywood that does nothing but suck its own dick every time they make a movie about people overcoming adversity, which is everywhere.  It’s lazy bad writing. Way to go Straw Dogs. I’d argue the movie would work better if the Charlie character was just some regular guy in some regular fucking town like Fort Collins Colorado for example. Or what if Straw Dogs took place in a town of just black people, and David was the only white guy? Well that fucking shit would never work today would it!? There’d be riots. It’s all the same shit. But since he’s a redneck, British or American we all assume he’s bad right from the start.

So Amy, played by Kate Bosworth, who has been in such amazing films Blue Crush (wow gay), and the ultra sleeper awful disappointing, Superman returns, runs around without a bra (also has ugly boobs which makes me wonder why anyone wants her to begin with), and gets raped.  The rape scene in the original is at least shorter than most rape scenes. Charlie takes it slow at first, and Amy does a poor job of resisting. So poor in fact, her mannerisms imply pretty heavily that she wants to have sex with Charlie, which would make sense since she used to love him or whatever. I found this interesting, till Charlie’s buddy shows up and throws her on the proverbial pinball machine with the rest of the rape scenes. Of course Charlie does nothing because all rednecks rape and pillage. Obviously.  PALM TO FACE.

 Her husband David is played by James Marsden, who gave us the insipid and petulant performance as Cyclops from the X-Men movies. More eye lasers less bitching and moaning. He also had like three lines in Superman Returns with Kate Bosworth. Good to see Hollywood keeps all its shit in one basket. They’re both pretty bad actors, and this does not change in Straw Dogs.

David is still worthless the whole movie, until Janice is killed by the fucking retard, and her father played by James Woods, who gives the only notable performance because he’s actually a good actor, he’s been in movies like Once Upon a Time in America, and Casino for fuck’s sake, storms the house with Charlie and the gang, who I guess was on True Blood. Thanks for making Vampires gay forever HBO and Twilight movies! They’ll never be ungayed prolly. It’s like Rip Torn’s penis in the David Bowie movie, The Man Who Fell To Earth. Once you see Rip Torn’s penis, you can’t unsee it.

At this point David turns into Jim (Cillian Murphy) from 28 Days Later, once he’s been pushed too far and kills everyone in the vain attempt at human nature commentary that it is.  He subdues the “stupid” rednecks with Home Alone like ingenuity, i.e. nail guns, boiling water, etc. It’s stupid as I said. Then David kills Charlie with a giant bear trap that’s been laying around the whole movie a decoration. As soon as you see giant bear trap you know someone is going to get it to the face, so the movie at least delivered that.

All in all, this movie is a huge waste of time. It’s not entertaining, clever, nor does it challenge any traditional film boundaries. If anything all it does is drone on and on and perpetuate harmful stereotypes that ruin the art of film and make stagnant an entire industry.

So that’s a fail for you Rod Lurie. At least you made Last Castle with Robert Redford that one time, so there’s that.

End Review