Friday, November 30, 2012

Review Five Life of Pi

Yes friends, this week I decided to go to the theater and see what all the fuss was about, and oh what a mistake it was. This movie pissed me off. It pissed me off so much, in fact, that when it was over I jumped up and ran screaming out of the theater the way I’d imagine Kevin Federline runs screaming from good record sales.  The album was called, “Playing with Fire”, and it sold about 182,000 less copies then the last Spice Girl album “Forever”. PALM TO FACE.  If that isn’t grounds for suicide, K-Fed, I don’t know what is. But I guess you have your family to…live…for…? Nope kill yourself! Seppuku would be fine. In fact it should probably be televised. “Tonight on Primetime TV a Giant Faggot that should have been aborted so he could never reproduce kills himself in the style of the Japanese Samurai. Followed by Wheel of Fortune!” Oh big money! Come on big money!

Speaking of Japan…After I ran screaming out of the theater to the parking lot, I was instantly teleported off the coast of Nagasaki. As I floated there in the air looking down at Japan, I got a boner. And no, it wasn’t from all the girls in short school girl skirts, or all the animated pornography…ok fine. It was from all the girls with short skirts in animated pornography…which also takes place in my room…right now…

But yes, looking down at Japan I received an erection, and it grew and grew and grew, until finally it became large enough to see from space. Now that’s some serious dick! Look out lesbians! Here comes the dick! After that my wiener opened up and bloomed like a flower. A gargantuan inside-out penis flower of glory and goo. It bloomed brightly, eclipsing the sun for a moment, only to fold back upon itself, enveloping the rest of my body, turning me into a jizz encrusted chrysalis. I imagine it had the same texture as an old sock. There I incubated for who knows how long, kind of like Natasha Henstridge did on the train in Species (1995) only to reveal that glorious rack of hers. I lost count of how many times I incubated to that movie. Finally my stiff sock-like prison cracked open and there I emerged the mighty…SPOOGEZILLA! Or SPOOJIRA, if you’re Asian.  As long as it’s in caps. Standing over fifty stories tall, SPOOGEZILLA is a cross between Godzilla, King Kong, Gamera (he was the turtle version of Godzilla), and a prehistoric Megalodon shark, to give it that extra penis shaped glory sauce. SPOOGEZILLA is armored head to toe in glistening spunk scales, which harness the awesome power of the sun to reflect light and blind foes, while remaining harder than diamonds and Wolverine’s adamantium combined. Armed only with his indomitable claws (each claw is actually Cloud’s final limit break from Final Fantasy VII, but with more semen) and his fiery ding-dong breath, hailing down incendiary radioactive dildos like spears from heaven. Let us not forget that from the armor extend mighty and colossal scrotum hairs, which also shoot lazer beams of death and destruction.

READERS BEHOLD ME AND DESPAIR! I AM SPOOGEZILLA! I stood in the ocean a glistening beacon of doom. There I roared, “LIFE OF PI”, and took off for the coast ready to rain terror, pain, and balls-on-chin death to all the masses before me. SPOOGEZILLA has no cock…he is the COCK! RAWRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Instead of taking out my anger on Japan, however, I turned around and headed for China to ravage Hong Kong and finally kill all those wire-acting fucks! Why so much hate for China you ask? Well, there’s a few reasons.

#1 I hate pandas. I’m fucking tired of listening to assholes argue whether pandas are bears or big fucking raccoons. They’re gay. End of story. Not to mention any animal that won’t fuck when it’s going extinct, probably doesn’t deserve to exist. Oh and if you’re one of those twats that wears those fucking hideous panda hats, well…SPOOJIRA has an adventure in anal just waiting for you. At least I can count on tragically retarded, hipster, fixie-riding faggots to help murder pandas. So if you name your bike company after panda bears, then make your bikes out of bamboo, which is pretty much all pandas eat…and pandas are going extinct…taking their food source to make bikes for white people is…probably…a good…idea? PALM TO FACE. SPOOJIRA’S Anal Adventure will be released on X-Box this summer.

#2 Those Red Communist bastards! They think they’re so cool with their market socialism, the late-to-the-party industrialization of transportation, and their ridiculous rise in bachelor rates. This shit is clogging up my freedom! Then of course there’s the army of nine-year-old gymnasts they parade around during the Olympics. Some good old-fashioned American rape is what we need here. Then maybe those hormone starved cunts will finally get their periods. SPOOJIRA’S Child Rape game was not approved by Microsoft. I’m currently seeking a contract with Sony.

I can only assume there are people coming to my house to arrest me at all times.

#3 Ang Lee Directed Life of Pi. WHY LORD!? WHY DO YOU SPITE ME SO!? Ok, so Ang Lee was born in Taiwan, but his name is still fucking Chinese, so fuck it! Besides I could never destroy Japan anyhow. They gave us stuff like sushi, Pat Morita, and of course God Fucking Zilla. And loads of cartoon boobies. YES! Let’s review this shit!

I went into this movie completely blind, and when Ang Lee’s name popped up on the screen I nearly got up and left. Now don’t get me wrong, Lee is not a bad director.  In fact I might argue that Lee is a talented director. I just hate his movies because they’re all the same.  Lee has thirteen director credits in his filmography, but really there are only four that got any mention of importance. Here they are in order: Sense and Sensibility (1995), Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000), The Hulk (2003), and Brokeback Mountain (2005).  Now what are these movies about?

Sense and Sensibility features English people being bad at stuff.  Girl loves boy, boy probably loves girl, but they can’t because of class confliction and disapproval of their families. Everyone is grouchy and uses big words. Crouching Tiger gives us Chinese people who are bad at stuff, except wires of course. Guy loves girl, girl loves guy, guy can’t act on his feeling because he’s a monk and stuff. They chase other girl who loves guy who’s a bandit so that obviously won’t work. The Hulk stars computer animation that makes me hurl. Guy loves girl and is bad at stuff. So bad at stuff in fact he makes a potion that turns him into monster. Monster rampages and ensures he can never love girl because he’s so dangerous.  Brokeback has butt-pumping homos. Well obviously that never works out.  Boy loves boy. Boy also loves boy. Their families, friends, history, religion, and more or less everything tells them this is not ok. Disaster ensues.

Anyone sensing a fucking theme here? These plots are over simplified of course, but that’s what these movies are about. Every Ang Lee movie I’ve ever seen is the same, and has something to do with character repression. All of these movies feature strong characters that aren’t allowed to be who they want to be. Now there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with this, because it often makes for a good character driven story, but how many of these films must we endure as an audience. Maybe Ang Lee should just go cry to his therapist instead of plaguing the unsuspecting masses with his sappy intellectual droning. It’s all overly sentimental and frankly I don’t care. The whole tortured soul thing needs to take a break, or at least be confined to crybaby faggots with acoustic guitars or a piano, and that hair swoop that goes over their faces so they don’t have to look their fathers in the eye and see that vacant look of disappointment. It’s the look that says, I should have killed myself or at least pushed your mother down the stairs. Then maybe my son wouldn’t have grown up to be James Blunt, or Ron Pope, or even Ang fucking Lee.

Before I really get into why I hate this movie I will briefly defend Ang Lee and his lack of originality or creativity. He is a pretty good director. All the movies I listed are “good” movies (good is in quotes for a reason). With maybe the exception of The Hulk, but in reality it’s hard to make a comic book movie not suck ass. Unless your Jon Favreau doing the Iron Man (2008). Yeah, he was in Swingers (1996). He wrote it too. Then there’s Sin City (2005). But when you let the guy who wrote the comic, Frank Miller, write the movie and direct it with Robert Rodriguez, you can’t lose. The only other good comic book movie is The Avengers (2012) directed by Joss Whedon. He gave us stuff like Firefly, Buffy the vampire Slayer, and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Hollywood, give comic movies to nerds. They will do them right. Ang Lee is not a nerd, he’s a sad little man.

As I was saying, his movies are very well made. They are well made, well formed, and for the most part, the stories are complete. By that I mean the characters make choices that drive the plot, which is essential, as I’ve said time and time again. That and the production vale to these movies is very high, which is pretty important because you really have to sell the universe the story takes place in. Realism is the key to this. Lee even won the best directing Oscar for Brokeback, which despite my qualms, IS a very well made film. The thing to remember here, is that there is a huge difference between a well made film and a good film. All of his movies are well made films but they’re not good. In fact they’re terrible.  Unless you’re really into Jane Austin (which a lot of people are and that’s fine. It’s fucking gay, but it’s fine) why the fuck would anyone want to sit through a super long boring movie about girls with flour in their vaginas as they cry about not being able to date who they want. May as well be Twilight. Crouching Tiger is actually a really fucking slow movie with bad dialogue. The characters babble on for minutes at a time about nothing, or things that are referenced too briefly to be recalled, or about stuff an American audience just doesn’t know about. But then it tricks you with cool Kung-Fu stuff. The Hulk is nothing but bad computer graphics jumping around. I don’t even remember the exact story because it’s so bad and forgettable. I’d rather watch the cartoon Hulk, or the fucking 70’s Hulk with Lou Ferrigno. They’re both way better. And Brokeback…jesus…I don’t even think actual homosexuals want to watch almost three hours of sad gay dudes bitching at each other like a married couple while they have sex with hot girls they hate then cry some more in between spelunking in each other’s rectums.

Crouching Tiger was nominated for best picture that year, and I’d say it deserved it. The production value was amazing, and it rekindled a genre that people had forgotten about. Gladiator won however, because there’s just no beating Russell Crowe apparently. Lee won the directing Oscar over stuff like Crash, Munich, Capote, and Good Night, And Good Luck. That means he beat Speilberg and George Clooney. Thank goodness. Another Oscar speech from Clooney and the world probably just explodes. I had like seven other more clever things to insert there, but in reality Clooney’s self important asshole mouth just makes the world blow up. Obviously we don’t have to put all of our faith in the fucking academy, in fact I would suggest you don’t, but it’s not hard to see that Brokeback is easily argued the best of those choices. If you’re screaming Munich right now, you’re just a dumbass with no opinion of your own. Everyone is so used to sucking Spielberg’s dick, they can’t see that his shit sucks. Ol’ Steven hasn’t made a good movie since Jurassic Park (1993). Start a thread to argue me…I fucking dare you. Don’t worry he’s rereleasing Jurassic Park in 3D in April 2013. Fuck, it’s hard being right all the time.

So that’s what we know about Ang Lee, which tells us Life of Pi will be a very well made piece of shit. But who wrote this piece of shit? It wasn’t Ang Lee, thank goodness. It was by David Magee. Magee was also nominated for an Oscar for best screenplay adaptation for Finding Neverland (2004). Wait a second…that fucking gay Peter Pan movie with Johnny Depp? SIGH. Also best screenplay is different from screenplay adaptation. Magee is a man who makes his living rewriting stuff that other people have already written…so that’s awesome…oh wait…So Magee adapted the screenplay from the book Life of Pi, written by Yann Martel in 2001. From what I’ve looked up about the book, the movie seems to have followed the original story pretty closely, so at least we know Magee can copy down stuff that he reads. Oh boy. Now I’m sure most of you have seen commercials or trailers, or the actual movie, so I’m probably not giving anything away when I say the movie is about a boy trapped on a lifeboat with a tiger in the middle of the ocean, after his ship sinks. It’s a story about survival and self discovery. Wait a second. A story about a boy trapped on a boat with a tiger…what a cool original idea! I can honestly say I’ve never seen or heard anything quite like that before in my career of liking stuff. I think that idea is really fucking cool, because…because…oh wait I was doing that thing where I was lying!

Do you guys remember that time in 1981 when some Brazilian guy named  Moacyr Scliar wrote a novella called Max and the Cats? It’s a story about a guy that get’s stranded on a lifeboat, after his ship sinks, with a jaguar. I remember that time. PALM TO FACE. So without further delay, here’s the plot to this giant turd. The only turd bigger than this movie is probably the one SPOOJIRA takes after anal rape. Ten pages of Summary incoming!

Fooled you! This will be a very short plot summary. Especially since I more or less just told you what happened. The plot of this movie is about plagiarism…errr I mean a boy on a raft with a tiger.

The movie starts with Pi, as an adult, having a conversation with some white guy that’s sad. After meeting Pi’s uncle, this white guy seeks Pi out to hear his amazing story. Pi supposedly has a story so incredible that it will make him believe in god. Here’s the movies first mistake. That’s a pretty big promise to make to an audience, so they had better plagiarize…errr I mean deliver this promise to us as we watch. I’m sure you can already tell where this is going. The story is given to the audience through Pi, as he tells his story to this white guy, who isn’t even credited with a name by the way. His official character name is “writer”. I realize this is a convenient plot device, and I will admit that it works just fine in this movie, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t hate it. It’s lazy, bad writing first off. Then I remember he adapts things into movies…sigh…ok fine, so maybe it’s in the book. I don’t know.  Not to mention, this writer character is supposed to reflect us, the living audience, and frankly this offends me. I don’t want to be associated with a sniveling, overly dramatic, overprivileged white duchebag, that’s sad because he can’t write anything good. This is what we get? Really guys? If you watch it, you’ll know what I mean immediately. Maybe if this guy actually went and did stuff, like had life experience, he wouldn’t be such an asshole. Instead I’m sure he spent his time drinking coffee and reading poetry, wondering why girls aren’t interested in his sensitivity. This character probably owns a James Blunt and Ron Pope Album.

“Hey Mandrew!”
Yes readers?
“WE think you’d have an easy time relating to overprivileged white duchebags, that are sad because they can’t write anything good.”
Yes, yes I can readers. Thanks for pointing that out.
“And you know James Blunt and Ron Pope make infinite more money than you?”
I do.
“And that they have sex with way more better looking women than you ever will?”
I’ve already come to terms with that. At least I have my integrity.
“What’s that Mandrew?”
It’s something losers talk about when they fail.
“Sounds boring.”
Good talk readers. Good talk.

So then Pi tells him his story.  Pi’s actually name is Piscine Molitor Patel. He is named after the most beautiful pool in France, or something gay like that. His name is pronounced the way it looks, so the kids he went to school with quickly give him the nickname of “pissing”. Good one adults. It’s like when people grow up they instantly forget how mean everyone is…though I suppose repressing painful childhood memories is a full time job. Still, pissing is arguable a better name than, let’s say Merle Lester, Gaye Males, Mike Litoris, Mike Hunt, and Mike Rotch. Mikes are just bad in general apparently. In sports we have names like Dick Butkus, Lucious Pusey, Misty Hyman, Dick Trickle, and Rusty Kuntz. Who could forget such classics as Jack Goff, Willie Stroker, and  B.J. Cobbledick. Last but not least there’s poor ol’ Asian Chew Kok, and my personal favorite Robert Faggot.  So then maybe at the end of the day, Piscine “pissing” Patel isn’t too bad…but still. What the fuck is wrong with people. Oh yea, they were born and had kids…good one.

Regardless, no one wants to be called “pissing” for the next ten years of their lives so Pi quickly comes up with a way to change his name. He does this by memorizing an obscene amount numbers from the number Pi sequence and impresses the fuck out of everyone on the first day of school so even the bullies have no choice but to call him Pi. Now this is super fucking gay. If I was a bully I would still beat the shit out of this kid, probably worse than before, but it’s a movie so whatever. What this does tell us is that Pi is a really fucking smart kid. To do that requires a lot of intelligence and memory. I can’t even do fucking long division. Shit, I can’t stop talking about semen!

After this Pi briefly covers the fact that he fell in love with religion. So much in fact, as a child he practiced Hinduism, Islam, and Christianity, all at the same time. To put it more accurately he picked and chose things he liked from each of them. As an adult he incorporated even more religions into his repertoire.  Pi explains it that he just wanted to have a relationship with God, and as far as he could see it, God was something that transcended even religion. In this way, it doesn’t matter what religion you are if you love God. Think of it as God being a gift, and the religion is the wrapping paper. In the movie, Pi explains this to the writer by saying something like, “faith is a house with many rooms”. So now we know that not only is Pi a very intelligent guy, but he’s very spiritual and practical. The idea that God remains constant no matter what religion one chooses is very important to this movie, so keep it in the back of your head.

So Pi grows up a little in this story, and shit happens in India and his family doesn’t feel safe. Around this time, it’s the 1970’s so shit might hit the fan in India. Indira Gandhi  was returned to power, and a lot of socialist shit was enacted. This included a treaty with the Soviet Union, and the testing of nuclear weapons.  Lots of other shit happened too, but that’s just to give you an idea. Anyhow Pi’s father doesn’t feel safe so he decides to sell the family business and move to Canada. The family business is a zoo, in case I forgot to mention that. So now not only is Pi intelligent, spiritual, and practical, but he’s also understands animal psychology, from having grown up around wild animals. Yeah, I definitely would have beaten up this faggot in school. Jesus chili dog tit fucking santorum Christ, I hate this kid!

There is a scene where Pi, as a child, tries to feed the tiger he eventually ends up on the boat with. The tiger is named Robert Parker. Really? Richard Parker? I would have named the tiger, Anass Rhammar. Or my personal favorite, Mahboobeh. In my version of the movie, the fucking tiger eats his faggot smart kid ass and we all cheer. Alas, though, his father saves him at the last minute. I still like the scene though, mostly because it reminds me of the end of The Jungle Book (1994) when Mowgli stares down Shere Khan. In fact, if you’re thinking of seeing Life of Pi, probably just rent the Jungle Book instead. It’s got fucking tigers in it! Just try and forget it was directed by Stephen Sommers. He gave us such as amazing films as, The Mummy (1999), the Mummy Returns (2001), and The Scorpion King (2002). You’ll have to excuse me for a moment…I just vomited up a dead baby. I’ll spunk on it later.

Ok so the family boards the boat for Canada and it sinks. They don’t dance around it either. No sea monsters or icebergs, just a storm. And certainly no bitches on the ship’s bow screeching about how they can fly. In my version of Titanic (1997) Leo pushes Kate Winslet off the ship, hi-fives his buddy and spends the rest of the movie raping dudes. I bet I even would have won an Oscar for best ORIGINAL screenplay, due to my unique and groundbreaking portrayal of homosexual love. That’ll teach all you assholes to repress the gays! With Hollywood on our side no adversity is too strong to over…over…
Please excuse for a moment. I just vomited up another dead baby. I’m going to put that one in my butt!

So the ship sinks and everyone dies, except for Pi. Real fast a few important things. Pi is on the ship with his father, mother, and brother. The only other two characters we get to meet are Japanese sailor, and the surly cook. The Japanese sailor is goofy and very polite. See why I picked China instead of Japan? All this guy wants to do is be nice to everyone and jerk it to cartoon boobies. Now what the fuck is wrong with that you fascists!? The surly cook is a total asshole. But he’s only an asshole because he’s old, fat, made a lot of bad life decisions, not he’s stuck in a galley on a tanker surrounded by a bunch of complaining foreigners he doesn’t understand. But yes, he sucks. He is played by Gérard Depardieu. Wait what!? Really? What the fuck is Gérard Depardieu doing in this movie? Remember that time in My Father the Hero (1995) when he’s on vacation with his daughter, played by Katherine Heigal, and everyone thinks he’s a pedophile and that Heigal is his lover and not his daughter, and he gets on the piano and sings “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”? I do. In fact, here’s a clip. Remember it’s funny because they think he fucks kids. How did he have a career!? Why is he in this movie!? I DON’T KNOW!?

As Pi is escapes into the lifeboat a zebra jumps onto the boat and breaks it’s leg. During the storm Richard Parker, the tiger, swims toward the boat and climbs on, then hilarity ensues! The next day Pi is still alive, the zebra is still there, leg broken, and the tiger is nowhere to be found, so Pi thinks he’s more or less safe…except for the fact that his whole family is dead, and he’s stuck in the middle of the fucking ocean.  Then all of a sudden Orange Juice the Orangutan floats up on some fucking bananas or something. No fucking shit! Pi likes the orangutan, and why not, monkeys rule. Except for that one monkey from Outbreak (1995). He can go straight to hell. Then all of a fucking sudden there’s a hyena on the boat. I love all hyenas. Not because of The Lion King (1994), though I do love the shit out of that movie, but because all hyenas remind me of Cheech Marin. He rules. The hyena wastes no time murdering the helpless zebra and adorable Orange Juice. Even though this upsets him greatly, Pi does nothing. So he’s smart, spiritual, practical, and understands animal psychology, but is a huge bitch. Check. Finally worried about his own safety, he tries to fight the hyena, but then BAM! The fucking tiger appears and kills the shit out of the hyena. Where the fuck are all of these animals coming from. The movie takes place on a 12 foot boat in the middle of the fucking ocean! All this animal shit is important for later.

And that’s pretty much the movie folks. Pi spends the next 90 minutes or so trying not to get eaten by a tiger. This is where I almost start to like the movie. The movie tricks you into thinking it’s a survival movie, with doses of spirituality splashed in to make it well rounded. Survival movies can be really awesome, because they usually place the characters into such extreme situations that they are forced do all sorts of outrageous things to survive. Often enough it makes for a great character driven story. Any zombie movie made comes to mind. But really there are trillions of different survival movies, I won’t list any because this review is already getting pretty long. But where almost there! But yes, I almost start to like this movie, because I think to myself, “how the fuck is this kid not going to get eaten by this tiger on this boat?”. Pi is most definitely pushed to his limits to survive. This is meshed up with his relationship with the tiger, and how Pi struggles with his relationship to God. This story is suppose to make us believe in God, remember? Pi and the tiger develop this strange symbiotic relationship, as Pi attempts to tame the tiger in the middle of the fucking ocean. This idea alone is almost enough to blow my mind. Then I remember Max and the Cats, and I’m like, oh yeah, plagiarism. Guy flees from Germany during the war to escape political turmoil. He gets on a boat that sinks. He escapes on a lifeboat. There’s a Jaguar on the lifeboat. Shit. Good one. This movie should have been called, “Ways to Trick White People into Thinking Shitty Stuff Rules”.

Trick #1: Gay animals. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like animals. In fact, I prefer them to people in most cases. And no not sexually, in case that’s what you were thinking. That’s what Japanese cartoons are for. Nothing melts an audience like adorable animals. This is where I’d want to list a bunch of famous animal movies, but thankfully other nerds already have here’s a link. Look at it!
The first few shots of this film show nothing but the animals in Pi’s zoo. They’re all weird looking and pretty cute in most cases. White people eat this shit up, the way I eat hookers’ assholes. With a spoon and a smile. Especially when it’s implied that there’s some transcendent mystical relationship between humans and animals. Wild animals want to eat you, not love you. People forget that we are also animals. I’d hunt and eat all you box office stuffing, 3D watching faggots if I could. All this shit does is help to distract you from the fact that, while the idea appears pretty interesting, it’s actually really lame. You know the tiger isn’t going to eat Pi. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a movie. So they focus on this make believe bullshit animal human friendship shit that crybabies really love. All I’m saying is that Lassie let’s Timmy die in that well.

Trick #2: India is for queers. Oh the movie is set in exotic India! Magical things must happen if it’s in India! Then you’re like, oh it takes place in the ocean…Call it a stretch if you want, but I don’t think this movie would have gotten as much press if Pi was some white kid from the Podunks of America. The whole Hinduism thing adds a lot more of the mystical shit like what you get from the animals, and this attracts a huge audience because it’s new and exciting. It’s something most folks don’t see all the time. It’s a really good trick too, because even though Pi is Indian, he’s still really easy for crybabies…errr plagiarists…errr people to relate to. He’s a really nice guy. He was picked on growing up. He loves his family. He’s kind to animals. He’s spiritual, and looking for something more to his life…I feel another dead baby coming on. This isn’t bad necessarily, but for fuck’s sake don’t call it good. Personally, I blame this on all the yoga nazi’s aka fucking hippies. You know the ones that light incense and talk about new age medicine? Then when you tell them to go fuck themselves they smile and say Namaste. Do you douche fags actually know anything about actual yoga? Yoga is some serious religious shit that puts a lot of stress on the body and mind. It’s pretty fucking important to Hinduism and Buddhism and such, so good thing a bunch of fat white bitches turned it into exercise! Good one. Oh and they did already make this movie with a white guy, and it was called Cast Away (2000) with Tom Hanks. You know he’s having tantric sex while solving grail mysteries right now…Don you hear that? It’s the sound of all of our penises becoming useless…ewwwwww!

Trick #3: Visual Effects. When the movie sucks just slap a bunch of cool looking shit on the screen and hope for the best. Usually that’s enough. This trick is maybe the only thing that saves this movie. As much as I hate to admit it, this movie did look really good. The scene where Pi falls into the water as the ship is sinking, and he beholds it as it plunges into the black depths, with whatever lights are left just flickering, as he swims suspended in the water. Then later when he swims through a crystal clear pond contained in a circle of deep jungle green vegetation, and surrounded by thousands of meerkats. Then, of course, there’s any scene where his lifeboat sits calmly on the still ocean at night. The stars reflect off the water and make his boat appear to be floating in space. All of these visuals are very compelling, and I certainly can’t argue that they don’t captivate an audience. I even admit to thinking they looked pretty damn good. But still, when the movie lacks content, it just distracts the audience with shiny objects, as I’ve said before.  Though it’s not hard to argue that this movie has a lot of content and my third trick is irrelevant. I might let you have that one actually…but then the movie ends and I ran off to destroy China.

So after hundreds of days of survival against monstrous odds, Pi washes up on the Mexican shore. The tiger immediately runs off into the jungle to never be seen again. Pi expresses how sad this makes him, since the tiger was his only company the entire time, and he thought they were buddies. I was at least happy that he acknowledged how silly he was for thinking he could actually be friends with the fucking tiger. It spent two thirds of the movie trying to eat him after all. Still it’s one of those heart wrenching scenes that makes crybabies cry, and touch each other’s naughty parts. Pi finishes his story by describing how the company that owned the ship came to asked him what happened. He tells them his story about surviving with the tiger. They of course don’t believe him. So Pi tells them another story. In this new story Pi jumps onto the lifeboat followed by the goofy Japanese sailor who then breaks his leg. They float on the boat with the surly cook, Mr. thank heaven for pedophiles. Then his mother floats to the boat. Is this starting to sound familiar? Pi goes on to say that the cook murdered the Japanese sailor to use his body for bait to catch fish. After days of being at odds with each other the cook kills Pi’s mother. Pi in turn, kills the cook, and is left all alone.

Wait what? Oh yeah this is happening. So at this point the audience realizes that Pi made up the whole story about the tiger. The second story he told involving people was actually what happened to him while he was out on the ocean. Of course the writer of this film apparently thinks the audiences needs to have this explained very carefully, because we’re all idiots apparently, so he has the writer character explain the symbolism of each character and which animal represents them in the story out loud to himself. This also pissed me off because I again have to listen to this asshole, who is supposed to represent me as a member of the audience, explain the plot twist of the movie to me like I’m in kindergarten.  Go fuck yourself! So if you are a dumb dumb, I’ll just say that the zebra is the sailor, the orangutan is Pi’s mother, the hyena was the cook and Pi is the tiger. Pi was the fucking tiger the whole fucking time! Awesomely enough, I think the Jaguar in Max and the Cats also turned out not to be real. Great job guys…

So the movie tricked me. I don’t like being tricked. Well, I don’t mind being tricked if it’s like at the end of Fight Club (1999). In that case, when Edward Norton turning out to be Tyler Durden isn’t really a trick because then you look back and go, “Oh, that was obvious now that I think about it”. This movie just straight up lies. But even then that’s not what killed me.  Even though this kind of shit is a copout to impress idiots. As though his amazing tale of survival wasn’t enough to impress the audience, they have to throw this twist shit in at the end, because it’s, “thought provoking”. Fuck you. And so many fucking movies do this. I won’t list them because this review is already too long, but really think about how many movies you’ve seen with the, “Oh man! It was me the whole time!” ending. Garbage. Or any movie by M. Night Shammalamllamadingdong. But I still don’t believe in God yet Pi. You’d better deliver fucker.

So of course everyone he tells this to, wants to know why tell the story about the tiger in the first place? Pi explains it by saying that in both stories he survived against great odds, and he suffered greatly. He argues that the outcome of both stories is the same. Then he asks the faggot writer guy, which story he prefers. Of course the writer says he prefers the story with the tiger over the latter. The audience probably does as well, since we just sat through the last 2 hours watching it. Then Pi says that’s precisely correct. Just as it is with God. THE END!

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL SO HARD. SPOOJIRA’S #1 Hit single “Oh I Fuck YOU So Hard!”, will be hitting the stands just in time for Christmas. Believe in God now Motherfuckers! Believe in God now motherfuckers, is the title of the album.

This movie should have been called, “A Two Minute Conversation With Pi”. I just wrote the script.
Writer “Pi, please tell me your thoughts on religion.”
Pi “Well Captain Faggot, I think God transcends all religion and ideas thereof. It’s not the dogma or rituals that matter it’s one’s personal relationship with God that matters. Do you happen to have any relation to Robert Faggot? Oh well, fuck tigers.”
Writer “Derp.”

Seriously. Fuck you Hollywood for making this movie. Of course liberal fascist Hollywood wanted to make this movie. The plot to this story is not only arrogant and self important, but it implies I actually need to watch it to become a better person and broaden my horizons. Readers, we don’t need movies to be aware of world problems. We just need to care about something other than what am I going to have for breakfast, or will I be able to take the weekend off, in order to be aware of what’s happening in the world. Watching a fucking movie most likely isn’t going to accomplish this. So yes, fuck you Ang Lee for giving us this piece of shit, that isn’t even original. It’s the plot to another fucking book! And we certainly don’t need to watch a movie to explore our spirituality. I won’t say that movies don’t often contain themes that help inspire thoughts, but fuck people it’s a movie. Movies aren’t real. Even movies about real things, aren’t fucking real. They’re all just stories, with the primary goal of entertaining the audience, and making loads of money for the untalented assholes that make them so they can lube each other’s dicks with gold before the Hollywood suck fest.

I love movies people. Way more than you do. So much that I had to burn China to the ground. If you take anything away from a movie draw from the way characters deal with conflict. Think of it as a window into human nature. Good stories will give you this. Bad stories will distract you with sentimentality and philosophical ideas you don’t really understand or care about anyway.

Still I will say that this film was very well made. The production value was excellent, and it is indeed one of the most visually striking movies I have ever seen. The acting was also very good. Except for the writer guy, of course. Suraj Sharma played young Pi on the boat. If I’m not mistaken it’s his first movie. I think he did an excellent job, and if he can keep this up, he has great potential to go far. As far as Ang Lee goes, I also hate to say it, but this is one of his best films. The themes, as gay as they are, are different from his other films that I have listed, and as previously mentioned the overall direction, production, and look of the film was excellent. So keep trying fuckbags. If you can stop jerking each other off for 5 fucking seconds. All we need now is a volleyball named Wilson to fuck each other with. Once it’s filled with spunk, we can crack it open like a coconut and drown ourselves in the milk, while Tom hanks cries like a bitch. SPOOJIRA!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Review Four Heat

If ever there were two dicks I wanted to suck…well it would be my own I suppose. Blasted rib cage always getting in the way! If only there were more retards around I might never be thwarted in my quest for cock slurpage again, for all of my ribs would be broken. In case you were curious, no I will never let that go. The second dick lives in my butt hole and drives me forward, so that I may doll out swift justice to bad movies. It’s also hard to get at. Not to mention with my strict diet of whiskey and disdain, I can only imagine the variety flavors that have been marinating down there over the years. It probably tastes like ramen noodles boiled in left over Holocaust, mixed in with Roseanne Barr’s career (that’s a metaphor for shit. You can tell I went to college because I use metaphors for shit), and maybe a dash of male inadequacy.  I suppose there’s also plenty of spunk from when I cum all over myself after writing one of these reviews. Yes folks, we’re firing on all cylinders, and from both barrels.

The next set of dicks I would suck, after my own, would without a doubt belong to Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. It’s a man sandwich I would love to be a part of. With that being said, what else can I say really about the movie Heat? I honestly really like this movie. Yes friends, I at times actually like stuff, in case you thought it impossible. Though I would argue that I always like stuff, which is why I’m so hard on everything. I hadn’t seen the movie Heat in a very long time, and after the rewatch it quickly became one of my favorites again, and should be acknowledged as one of the best in films in the last twenty years. Now before we start sucking each other’s dicks, this movie is not without its flaws, because you see friends, no matter how good something is, people aka writers/directors, will always do that thing they do so well. That thing is being fucking bad at shit. Hollywood folks writing or directing anything is like adding the Biathlon to the Special Olympics. It’s messy, hard to watch, and by the end no one is left to hand out hugs.  So who directed this classic, almost masterpiece of filmmaking? Well it was Michael Mann…FUCK! I might have to take out my second dick and stick it in my eye. Here we go.

I’ll start by saying Michael Mann is not a bad director. He’s most famous for stuff like, Last of the Mohicans (1992), The Insider (1999), Ali (2001), and Public Enemies (2009). He also bestowed upon us the most excellent remake that was Miami Vice (2006)…oh wait…I keep a vomit bucket next to my computer for when I use the words remake and excellent in the same sentence. Though I suppose it’s not a true remake, and more of a television adaptation made sixteen years after the show went off the fucking air. Still I’ll forgive Mann for this since he is credited in one hundred and eleven episodes of the television show, and by credited I mean as the executive producer, which is a fancy way of saying he gave the show money. Good one. Though let us not forget one of my favorite sci-fi movies ever, The Keep (1983). This is a really fun movie to watch if you like ridiculous old sci-fi and I would strongly recommend it. It’s about a demon who is unleashed in this old castle being guarded by the Nazis during the war. Not only are the effects hilarious (but still pretty fucking good for 1983) but the cast will make you shit.  It has Jürgen Prochnow from Das Boot (1981) and The English Patient (1996), Gabriel Byrne from The Man in the Iron Mask (1998) and The Usual Suspects (1994), Scott Glenn from Apocalypse Now (1979) and Silence of the Lambs (1991), and last but not least Ian McKellen! Fucking Magneto Mc Gandalf face! Casts that make you shit will be important for later.
Now I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve brought any of this up in the first place since none of these movies are bad, and I can honestly say they aren’t. What they are is long. Michael Mann understands how to tell a story for the most part I would argue, but I would also argue he needs help with his structure. Michael Mann has a difficult time telling a story in what most audiences would consider a reasonable amount of time. The majority of movie-goers feel comfortable watching a movie that is 90 to 120 minutes in length. Now of course I don’t have anything to back that up really, but just think of your asses in those movie chairs after two hours and you’ll know I’m right. After two hours most people turn into the Sloth victim from SEVEN (1995), groaning and screaming with bedsore all over their bodies. Probably looks like a hooker’s vagina after a weekend at Sturgis. Technology has ruined everyone’s imaginations and attention spans. Here’s what we have: Heat 170 minutes. The Insider 157 minutes. Public Enemies 140 minutes. Ali 157 minutes. The exception is Mohicans at 112 minutes, but really when Daniel Day-Lewis is in your movie, you don’t even need a script. Just let him run around and do stuff. There Will Be Blood (2007) was 158 and minutes and I can honestly say I was very entertain, entranced even, the entire time. It was a combination of Daniel Day and Paul Thomas Andersons directorial style. Then there’s movies like Braveheart (1995) which is 177 minutes, or Lord of the Rings…well those movies are all fucking long. The point is, audiences can sit through long ass shit and not complain if the film is paced correctly and the actors are utilized appropriately, which I would argue Mann is close to doing.

In his defense, however, I’ll say that for some writers it’s hard to write short things. Really bad writers have trouble writing enough, which is why there are so many movies where the characters are boring and don’t do anything, and why so much time is filled up with explosions and stuff of that nature. Then there are less terrible writers that struggle profoundly with precise writing. Getting the audience through the story with such efficiency so as not to take away from the story’s artistic integrity. I myself have this problem, which is why all my friends do is complain about how long my reviews and other things I write are. If things are too long for you guys then just stop reading and watching. My only hope is that you electrocute yourselves trying to insert your retarded genitals into your phones when you finally decide to fuck your Angry Birds. Assholes. If I were ever to start my own business, it would be a nonprofit organization dedicated to the manufacturing and distribution of personal sized fires for all you fucking troglodytes to die in. Here’s your fire, now go die in it. If mass audiences can’t read something that’s longer then a Facebook post then how the fuck can they ever read a regular book? Oh yeah, huge print, and stories about kids that can’t stop touching their wands, or vampire that spend eternity in puberty unable to masturbate. I would like J.K. Rowling and  Stephenie Meyer to know that they ruined an entire generation of people, much like every war ever. I can only hope Jesus finds it in his heart to resurrect himself and the mighty Tyrannosaurus so that they might smite you both from this earth by devouring you and those smoldering, maggot infested loins that no doubt spewed the abominations that are your books made into movies. I hope that inside the T-Rex are all the self-exploding Muslims that discovered there actually were no virgins in heaven, post death, waiting to rape you as you all dissolve in stomach acid. Don’t worry though, because when you get to Hell, I will have already killed myself and be there waiting to fuck you both with Satan’s dildo. It’s like a cross between that spear-like strap on from Seven mixed with Sonic the Hedgehog. It’s not small either. Well shit, there I go not being precise again. Oh well…to the cast!

This movie was made for Pacino and De Niro, so much to the point that I’d argue that Mann had them both in mind while he was writing it. Not only are they both very safe casting choices, because people will always go see a movie with either of them in it, but Pacino and De Niro are both very talented actors that will no doubt enhance a story just by being there. Aside from that, however, the cast is nothing but hilarious recognizable faces. The movie is literally packed full of famous people ranging from the ultra famous main characters to the very mediocre “why is this person in this movie” characters. Watching this movie went something like this for me:

Jesus is that Val Kilmer? His haircut is terrible! Oh my god is that John Voight? Why the fuck does he have a mullet?! Voight’s been in stuff like Deliverance (1972) and Mission Impossible (1996). Shit, is that Tom Siezmore? You might recall him from Saving Private Faggot…err Ryan (1998) or Natural Born Killers (1994) as the detective. Is Al Pacino’s character really married to Diane Venora? Didn’t she play Gloria Capulet in the Shakespeare adaptation Romeo + Juliet (1996)? Oh no Pacino’s touching her boobs! Oh my, De Niro’s girlfriend is Amy Brenneman. She was in Daylight (1996). I love Stallone movies! Lord De Niro touches her boobs too! Val Kilmer’s terrible haircut is married to Ashley Judd for some reason. She made at least two shitty movies with Morgan Freeman, and showed us her boobs in Double Jeopardy (1999). Horay boobs! Wait what? Mykelti Williamson works for Pacino? He loved shrimp in Forest Gump (1994). Wes Studi also works for Pacino. He’s cast as every Native American character ever, including last of the Mohicans. Oh sweet Jesus, Ted Levine has an awful mustache. He was Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs (1991). I’d fuck me. Isn’t he on Monk now? Yeah, I’d fuck me. Then there’s black guy number 47…err I mean Dennis Haysbert. You might remember him as the voodoo guy from Major League (1989). I think he was on 24 as well. Hold on let me get this straight…Al Pacino’s daughter is played by Natalie Portman, but like seventeen years ago? She walks into the bedroom after Pacino gets done balling her mother. I’ve dreamed of pornos that start like that. Tom Noonan is in the movie for like five seconds. He tried to hide from me under a huge hideous beard. You can’t hide from me Tom Noonan, you were the bad guy in Last Action Fucking Hero (1993) for fuck’s sake. I almost shit when Hank Azaria shows up for some reason. He’s the voice of Homer fucking Simpson! And he played a hilarious homo in The Birdcage (1996). Jesus Christ! Machete (2010) is in this movie? I love Danny Trejo. Then Jeremy Piven shows up. What? The guy from Entourage? What the fuck Henry Rollins! I love Henry Rollins, he’s in everything. Oh and in case you were curious, yes friends that other, other, black guy is in fact Tone Loc the rapper. Though he might have also talked to Jim Carrey’s ass in Ace Ventura: pet Detective (1994) and provided voice acting for the gila monster Goanna in FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992). Let us not forget his amazing performance as Spence in Surf Ninjas (1993). The 90’s were a magical time. My butt boner definitely shifted when I noticed that the Mexican with no dialogue driving the armored car that gets shot, is also the same Mexican with almost no dialogue that gets crushed by the T-Rex in The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997). What’s your name!? I don’t know! Seriously though…if you’re a non-white person with no dialogue do not drive an armored car because the white people will shoot you. And for fuck's sake take your headphones off when there's fucking dinosaurs running around trying to eat you. Especially when Jeff Goldblum is your only protection. He’ll be too busy ruining Michael Critchon novels to save you. Whew!

The casting to this movie is incredible. One spooge fest after another, which is another safe play by directors. If you pack your movie with enough recognizable faces, it will distract your audience away from flaws with the film, much the way magpies get distracted by shiny objects. Or retards. Or Americans…whatever. To this movie’s credit however, there are not many flaws. So without further delay, here are ten pages about the very intricate plot as we go scene by scene.

Just kidding! We’re aiming for precision here I suppose. In actuality I don’t want to give away too much, since I would like some of you who haven’t seen this movie to go watch it. So I’m going to mention a few things I think are really awesome before I remind everyone that this movie is too long. Here goes.

The entire movie revolves around the dichotomy between Pacino and De Niro. The relationship these two characters have is brilliant. It begins very simplistically, the cop versus the robber, but as the story progresses it becomes so much more. Through some very well thought out and executed dialogue, the audience gets to know these characters very well, and it’s made clear that these men are actually very similar. The conversations Pacino and De Niro have with each other and about each other make the entire movie. Also, to Mann’s credit, he found a way to balance action and dialogue almost perfectly. I might argue the movie needed a little more action here and there, but I’d also say that’s just a side effect of how long the film is, but I’ll get to that shortly. The best scene in the whole movie is when Pacino follows De Niro and pulls him over on the road. Instead of arresting him or inciting a conflict, Pacino invites De Niro to coffee and they chit chat about what kind of men they are. At this point the audience confirms without a doubt that these men are actually very similar if not the same. It’s implied that they both could have easily been each other if circumstances were different. As I said, this is brilliant. The most interesting good guy/bad guy relationships are when the characters are friends in some way or they have respect for each other and show empathy, in one aspect or another, for the other’s cause. This blurs the lines from traditional stereotypes of the flawless good guy versus the super evil bad guy. It implies that there is no good or bad, just people and their choices. 

Consider stuff like Professor X and Magneto, Darth Vader and Luke, or even the Joker and Batman. These are some of the most famous characters of all time, and no matter what form they take (movies, books, comics, etc.) their relationships are more or less the same. Professor X and Magneto were good friends but circumstance tore them apart. Their experiences were so closely intertwined the audience knows how easy it would have been for them to trade places if things had gone differently earlier in their lives. Luke eventually comes to understand how his father fell to the dark side, and respects it for what a large threat it is for him as well, if he isn’t careful with his choices. Then Darth Vader saves Luke at the end, because he loves his son after all, and knows that his choices were the wrong ones. This gives Luke a second chance at life. In The Dark Knight (2008), the Joker describes his relationship with bat man as an immoveable object meeting an unstoppable force. Another one of my favorite lines comes from a Batman comic, wish I could remember which, but it starts with a conversation between Two-Face and the Joker. Two-Face says he can’t wait to get Batman so he can take off his mask and see his real face. The Joker tells him he’s stupid because the bat mask is Batman’s real face. While they may be opposing forces the Joker really understands Batman, and to say Batman doesn’t understand the nature of evil would just be incorrect in every sense of things. This is excellent storytelling, because  complicated relationships like these make it very difficult for the plot to drive itself when convenient to the story. In the case of Heat, the characters are very dynamic, and it is 100% their choices that drive the story, which is how it always should be. I almost posted a clip of the coffee shop scene, but as I said, I like this movie and I’d prefer you all just go watch it if you haven’t already. So here’s a few things that happen.

The movie begins with an armored car robbery. It starts with a bang and draws you in almost immediately. What I really like about it is that the scene is not over done. The action is appropriate yet captivating. One of my least favorite things about action movies is just nonstop explosions and stupid shit that doesn’t matter, meant to entertain stupid people that never learned how to read. Too much action takes all the suspense and imagination out of film. Not to mention it leaves almost no room for character development, which is what really makes the story. So again, Michael Bay I would do awful things to you if I could. Way worse than those book writing whores.  They may be ruining literature, but at least they’re trying. All Bay does is shit vomit for mongoloids to zamboni off the ground with their assholes aka their faces. Action movies should take a lesson from Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991). In my opinion, it’s the best action movie ever made. T2 has the perfect mix of action and characters. The movie is packed full of some of the coolest action scenes ever filmed. Not only have they withstood the test of time, but imagine how extra awesome they were in the early 90’s when computer animation was such a new thing, and stunts were so fucking important. In between all these amazing action sequences there is loads of dialogue to break it all up and set the pacing. Not only that, but it provides fantastic character development to move everything along. By the end of the movie the audience knows without a doubt how much John Conner cares about the Terminator, because we spend the whole movie watching their relationship grow. Then shit explodes a lot, and it’s awesome. Heat does almost this exact same thing.

So De Niro and his crew rob an armored car, and we know almost immediately that De Niro is a precise criminal free of greed. They had a contract to steal something very specific from the car and they succeed, leaving the rest of the loot behind. We also know De Niro isn’t a “monster”, which is an easy stereotype for bad guys to inherit. We know this because he didn’t want to harm the guards. The guards are killed anyway, by one of the men in the crew who is very unstable. This gets reconciled with the audience because we know the man responsible is not a regular member of De Niro’s crew. He’s just some guy they picked up last minute on a trial. The reconciliation continues when De Niro chastises the man for his actions, because that’s just not how they roll. De Niro does, however, lose his temper and tries to kill this guy. His name is Waingro I believe. Waingro gets away which starts a whole other plot twist that comes back to get De Niro in the end. These scenes also establish De Niro as a level headed man, but also a merciless leader. The fact that De Niro loses his temper and tries to kill Waingro, effects the entire story in a ripple effect, which is exactly what I mean when I talk about character driven plots. If De Niro hadn’t of lost his temper and just kicked Waingro out of the crew instead of trying to kill him, then Waingro probably wouldn’t have come back to fuck them later. De Niro’s later decisions effect the plot in a similar way. I won’t list them all because you should just watch the movie with these tidbits in mind. They aren’t hard to spot.

So now Pacino is on the case, and I must say he’s on fire during the whole movie. His performance is explosive, as usual. His line delivery is very entertaining because he will begin lines very calmly in a lot of cases, then scream at whoever he is speaking to intimidate them and really assert himself as the authority figure. This is very similar to how De Niro runs his crew. The dichotomy continues with the relationships both characters have with their respective women. We see Pacino’s relationship with his wife deteriorate through the whole film, as De Niro’s starts to flower with a woman he just met. Pacino’s wife is furious all the time because Pacino is such a dedicated detective and is very emotionally unavailable at all times. He’s also gone a lot because of how demanding his job is. The audience is reminded that Pacino legitimately loves his family, because of the soft and caring interactions with his step-daughter. Eventually he drives her into the arms of another man. He’s still available to his family, however, later on when they really need him. De Niro utters this line a few times in the movie, “Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” Then through random events he meets a woman and falls in love with her. It’s fast and impetuous, but it’s the kind of love affair I would argue a lot of people can relate to. It revolves around those first intense moments of fresh desire. There’s a great scene that reflects this very well when we see De Niro and his crew having a dinner together, and everyone has brought their wives and girlfriends. They’re like a family. The scene is mirrored when Pacino and his cops do the same thing. Suddenly the lines between good guys and bad guys isn’t so clear. This is a story about two men trying to do what they think is best, in accordance to how they’ve always lived. It isn’t about good or bad, it’s about carving a path the only way you know how. The fact that they meet each other provides both characters with clarity. They realize how easily their lives could have gone differently, yet at the same time fortifies their resolve since they know they’ve come too far to go back. Here’s a quote I think sums it all up.

Pacino: What are you, a monk?
De Niro: I have a woman.
Pacino: What do you tell her?
De Niro: I tell her I'm a salesman.
Pacino:  So then, if you spot me coming around that corner... you just gonna walk out on this woman? Not say good bye?
De Niro: That's the discipline.
Pacino: That's pretty vacant, you know.
De Niro: Yeah, it is what it is. It's that or we both better go do something else, pal.
Pacino: I don't know how to do anything else.
De Niro: Neither do I.
Pacino: I don't much want to either.
De Niro: Neither do I.

Great writing. As I’ve said, there are so many examples of all the stuff I’ve been talking about, but instead of going through them all like I have in the last couple reviews, I just want you to get an idea of what I’m talking about so when you watch it, you’ll be able to spot these things. So here’s what I don’t like about this movie, as quickly as possible.

I’ve already confessed that I think Michael Mann is a good writer. His dialogue and storytelling seem very solid to me, but he is not very precise in a lot of cases. The movie is too long, plain and simple. To be more specific, no matter how captivated I am by the characters and the dialogue, and the cool actions scenes, there’s just too much crammed into this film that could easily be cut. In a lot of cases it causes the movie to drag on, and honestly it makes the movie pretty fucking boring at times. Here’s a few examples: First and foremost, Ashley Judd shouldn’t even be in the movie. The Val Kilmer/Ashley Judd sub plot, while serves as a mild character device for De Niro, could very easily be taken out without losing anything.  Judd’s entire character could be replaced with a few lines about her character and have the same effect. Honestly, as the audience, I don’t give a shit that Judd is mad at Kilmer, or they’re having problems. The movie isn’t about them. My theory is that they were both pretty famous in the 90’s so Mann probably felt obligated to give them more scenes and lines. Nope! They’re boring, cut them out. In the middle if the movie there’s a huge firefight scene, that takes place in the middle of crowded L.A. streets and Kilmer is shot. In my opinion the movie should have ended not long after this. Instead the movie drags on for almost another hour, where the characters more or less drive around and get frustrated. Kilmer is shot, but not killed during the firefight, which spawns quite a few scenes with him and Judd which are really tedious to watch, because she’s not interesting. Kilmer should have been killed during the gun fight and the audience would have had just as much closure with his character. And since my version doesn’t even have Ashley Judd, we’re not worried about her either. That saves the viewers about twenty-five minutes of boredom. 

De Niro also goes on a revenge spree during the last hour. A few lines of dialogue could also replace much of this, because while the scenes are adequate for their action, they’re still pretty pointless to the story. Not to mention, De Niro spends so much time talking about being able to walk away from anything when the heat is coming down, how am I supposed to buy that killing various people for revenge, while he’s supposed to be fleeing from the cops is prudent at all? It’s stupid actually. I realize it’s also to serve as a character device, but I’d still argue that if you cut all those scenes out and just stick with the core scenes and the ending as is, where De Niro is forced to walk away when he literally sees Pacino coming around the corner (again I’m trying not to give too much away), nothing is lost. The integrity of the story stays the same, the same points get across. The same goes for the extra scenes with Pacino’s family. I think they should have stopped after Pacino finds her with another man, and walks out with his TV, and not even bothered with all the drawn out scenes at the hospital. If all this stuff is taken out the movie is probably two hours instead of three, and remains awesome. Instead it’s awesome with a side of, “Ugh! Why is this still going?” All one would have to do is alter the setting of the last scene a bit where Pacino and De Niro have their final showdown.

All in all, I think Heat is a really good movie, but it would be an incredible movie if it was more precise and trimmed out some unnecessary stuff. It’s all up interpretation in the end I suppose, but as a person who reads and writes a lot, and watches zillions of movies, this is what I think would benefit this film most.  The characters and the dialogue are still amazing as far as I’m concerned, so watch it and decide for yourselves. I’d also take into consideration that Michael Mann has spent more time in his filmography working on television than actual movies. This would explain why his style is so long winded, because a recurring television show has so much more time to develop things,  he’d actually need those scenes I’d think should be cut.  Not bad sir, not bad. Personally I blame it on the four episodes of Starsky and Hutch he wrote back in 70’s. Try doing that without hookers and a garbage bag of blow. GOOD ONE!