Never before has a movie
so much made me want to turn it off in the middle of watching it so I could
jerk off to rape porn.
Alright, for real now,
I’d like to be serious about this for a moment. The truth of the matter is
that I can jerk it to any movie where
women are brutalized. Even this one.
Right now, at this very
moment, somewhere in the world, someone is being jizzed on while tied to a radiator.
So before I dive into
this one, who directed this film? What kind of movie might we be in for? Black
Snake Moan, released in 2006, was written and directed by Craig Brewer, who one
year before that was the writer and director of Hustle and Flow. Now that fact
alone was almost enough to make me skip this movie over. Why the fuck do I care
that some pimp (pimp is completely literal in this case by the way) is having,
what I suppose you could call, a life crisis?
It’s hard out here for
a pimp? Seriously? Fucking seriously? If you like this shit even a little
you’re a fucking asshole!
“But Mandrew, you’re a
huge fucking asshole, so does that mean you think it’s hard out there for a
pimp?”
I fucking swear to the
coin-counting god of Jews that I’d rather be turned into Kim Kardashian and
have my legs amputated at the pussy, only to be stripped naked, oiled, and
tossed over the walls into a federal
pound-you-in-the-ass prison and left for dead, then to, for one second,
have any of you mochachino slurping, Weeds watching, carb counting, suburban
driving, lilies try and explain to me why this shit is good. There isn’t enough
fires for all you drooling Quasimodos to die in.
It’s hard out here for
a pimp…fuck you.
It’s hard out here for
single parents trying to raise their kids(like one’s with actual jobs that
don’t involve pimping girls or selling shitty weed). It’s hard out here for all
the butt bumping, carpet munching homos that can’t get married even though they
believe in the same god as everyone else. It’s hard out here for the farmers or
the small business owners who are losing everything because business just ain’t
what it used to be. It’s hard out here
for the poor bastards stuck in fox holes, wondering if they’ll ever see home
again. Or the kids who really think all those virgins will be waiting for them
after they strap that bomb to their chest. Or all the other fucking kids who
are born with AIDS and starving because their government is too busy chopping
each other’s hands off. Did someone come to your village today and cut your
fucking hands off? I’m going to go with no.
Is it really so hard to
imagine why the majority of the world thinks Americans are assholes? It’s
because it’s so hard out here for a pimp. Fuck you. I mean it’s bad enough that
fucking song won a god damn OSCAR! Not only that, but fucking Terrence Howard
got nominated for best actor that year as well. Thank fucking goodness Philip
Seymour Hoffman won for Capote. Terrence Howard is nothing but a watered-down
Cuba Gooding Jr. who wished Tom Cruise
would have shown him the money that one time. Cuba isn’t even that awesome
either. He did go full retard in Radio (2003). If you want to watch a movie with
similar themes to Hustle and Flow go fucking watch Boyz n the Hood (1992)
nominated for best screenplay and director. Or you could watch Dangerous Minds
(1995) with Michelle Pfeiffer, though one could certainly argue it’s just
another Stand and Deliver (1988), or Freedom Writers (2007). There’s also Baby
Boy (2001), same director as Boy n the Hood, John Singleton. And of course there was this one fucking movie
called 8 Mile (2002) where some poor bastard plagued by all the social
hindrances one can imagine and overall poor circumstance struggles to be a
rapper and make something of himself. Does this fucking shit sound familiar?
Djay is a shitty character and that movie sucked ass. I’m sorry you made bad
decisions, but get a real fucking job and take care of your fucking family!
Eminem also has an Oscar in case anyone forgot. It might be hard out here for a
pimp, but all you have to do is lose yourself in the moment. Or maybe we can
all just drink the fucking Kool-Aid already and call it a day. You assholes go
first!
My true point is that
this was the mind set I had when I saw Black Snake Moan in the theater back in
2006. However, I watched it again this week for the first time since then with
fresh eyes. My opinion on Hustle and Flow remains the same, but the verdict on
Black Snake Moan is better than you might imagine. That doesn’t mean it’s
getting off easy though. Let’s break this shit down.
To begin with, Black
Snake Moan is a perfect movie for people who consider themselves to be
intellectuals, aka self proclaimed no-it-all faggots that pretend they are good
at stuff.
“So Mandrew, does that
mean that this movie is perfect for you?”
Funny guys, real funny.
Honestly though, if you
went to college and memorized a few books about philosophy and meta science,
with the delusions of self exploration, that in reality have no purpose save
the regurgitation of facts and choice quotes in a coffee shop setting to
impress other no-it-all assholes so maybe they touch your private parts later,
because you’re so “deep”.
“Hold on Mandrew, that
sounds really familiar…didn’t you used to…” If you guys don’t chill the fuck
out I’ll turn this blog around right now and go home!
Ladies the only deep thing about tight pants,
thrift store sweater wearing, boys you meet in coffee shops is how deep they
plan on getting into you girl gash because they think they can charm you by
vomiting up things they heard actual intelligent people say. And fellas, well…we
all know none of us are interested in girls that read. Books! Come on girls,
you should know better. But yes, if you are one of these so called “smart”
people, then you probably have an atrocious personality and difficulty just
having plain old interactions with people, this movie is for you.
“So Mandrew does that
mean that this movie is…” I said be quiet!
This film does a lot of
things really well, except for the plot. The plot to this movie is one of the
stupidest fucking things I’ve ever seen. I mean just look at the tag lines.
“Everything is hotter down South”, or “To save his soul, he must save hers”. If
my penis could vomit, it would. The only movies I can think of that have a
worst plot then Black Snake include things like, Snakes on a Plane( 2006), also
starring Samuel L. Jackson. Asian bad guy that does karate must kill witness by
putting snakes on a plane. Crank (2006) with Jason Statham. Guy gets poisoned
but has to run around blasting extreme uppers and electrocuting himself to kill
the bad guys. I know Who Killed Me (2007), starring Lindsey “Skeletor”
Lohan. I’m having all these weird
visions of being murder by this creepy man because I actually have some twin
sister that’s really being murdered…and…and…oh god. And of course who could
forget Troll 2 (1990), which is arguably the worst movie ever made. Family goes
to a place called the Nilbog for vacation, sounds awesome, only to have to
fight off an entire civilization of goblins. Yes goblins, there are actually no
trolls in this movie. Then there’s
Rubber (2010), starring Robert the Tire.
One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, I might even argue worse than Troll 2.
Tire becomes self realized and rolls around…maybe a head explodes here and
there, then the tire…rolls…around… So here is the plot to Black Snake, as
quickly as possible.
Guy is pissed his wife
left him. His life sucks. Girl is pissed her dad molested her. Her life sucks.
Guy chains up girl, and all of their problems just go away! Horay! And there’s
titties. HORAY!
Say what you will, but
that’s more or less the whole movie. Though I suppose I should mention the
awards this movie was nominated for. This film actually won the very
prestigious Wyatt Award! It’s an award given out by the Southeastern Film
Critics Association. Surely you’ve heard of them…oh wait…and when I say it won
I mean they got second place. And of course who could forget when Justin
Timberlake was nominated for a Teen
Choice Award for his Breakout Male performance as Ronnie. He got one for Alpha
dog the year before.
PALM TO FACE.
Now I admit that my
description could be considered an oversimplification, but that’s just the
majestic Horsey sweater, I bought at the Good Will talking. Maybe I should go
buy glasses with no frames in them…that would help! Anyhow, how about this for
an actual, but still brief, plot summary.
Samuel L. Jackson plays
Lazarus, an old broke down blues musician turned farm living in the backwater
of Mississippi. All southern stereotypes one might imagine are present.
Lazarus’s wife has just left him for his brother. That’s the ultimate burn. As
a result the already hardened and surly Lazarus suffers from a self-loathing
inferiority complex, coupled with alcoholism and sudden bouts of misplaced
altruistic rage. Wait what? I know right! He finds Rae, played by Christina Ricci,
nearly beaten to death and suffering from a potentially fatal fever on the road
near his home. Rae is the embodiment of the trailer trash cliché that also
suffers from a self-loathing inferiority complex and manifests itself through
substance abuse and sexual addiction brought on by unresolved feelings of
abandonment, because her mother stood
idly by when he rather molested her as a child.
WHEW!
So Lazarus finds her
and decides to nurse her back to health, because well, he’s actually a pretty
good guy, except he then takes it a step farther and decides to chain Rae up
and hold her prisoner until she can kick her terrible affliction, which is just
an excuse for Lazarus to live vicariously through her as she resolves her
problems because he can’t resolve his on his own…Wait what? Oh my.
Eventually they develop
a very close father/daughter like relationship and work out their deep seeded
emotional issues together through some weird sexy southern mishmash of therapy
that doesn’t involve a trip to Jerry Springer. The End.
Wait what? Oh my
goodness. Even when I use a lot of big words this plot still sounds stupid as
fuck. And that’s because it is. So here’s what we’re going to do gang. I’m
going to rant about why this movie sucks, then I’ll rap up by pointing out what
this movie does well, which is actually a lot of things. So stop complaining
and go iron your skinny jeans.
The main focus of the
plot in this movie is that Sammy jack wants to cure Rae of her sexual
addiction, because up until that she occasionally suffers from a mind bending
seizure-like episode that can only be resolved after she has hot trailer park
sex with the closest man available. The Tehronne character, black gangster type
person, describes her affliction by saying to Sammy Jack, “She gotta get dick
or she goes crazy”. Thanks other black guy! So here’s the first major plot
hole. Why the fuck would anyone guy within a hundred mile radius want to cure
her of that?! So let me get this straight…very slutty, hot as shit Christina
Ricci has to fuck to not go crazy, and she’ll fuck any guy with no
discrimination whatsoever? And you want her to stop her? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG
WITH YOU?! I’ll tell you right now, if that condition ever became contagious I
would pack my shit and move to that town immediately.
So this is the point
where my male readers are chuckling, and my female readers aka crybabies are no
doubt feigning outrage. Let me guess gals, you’re tired of Hollywood writers
aka evil men jerk faces using female objectification as not only an advertising
pull, but as a plot device? I’ll be the first to say that women have every
right to be mad about female objectification. No one likes feeling degraded,
and certainly no one likes having their existence so oversimplified, but you’re
looking at it all wrong. The objectification of women makes the world go round.
The very society and civilization we know now would crumble without it. Now
before all you gals pop an ovary, I’ll explain.
Ask yourself this: what
keeps people from raping and pillaging at will all the time? Well I suppose you
could argue the overall basic goodness of humanity and…and…and I can’t even
type this fucking sentence with a straight face. Had I been serious I might
have asked the barista at Mugs if I could plug in my laptop somewhere while she
refills my caramel macchiato. FAGS! People don’t rape and pillage for two main
reasons. First and foremost is because of fear of retaliation and punishment.
How many times have you caught yourself thinking about a “if only I could get
away with it” scenario? I’m guessing a lot. I’m certainly guilty of this,
because I would rape and kill pretty much everyone if only I could get away
with it. But I wouldn’t. I’d get arrested and sent to prison where some huge
guy would knock all my teeth out for blowjobs. So for now I’ll just maraud you
all in my head.
The second, and most
important reason is the ability to look at boobs.
It’s the reason we
don’t have Vikings storming the shores, or Mongols rampaging across the plains.
It’s the reason the average asshole doesn’t rob banks, rape his neighbor’s
wife, or bring a gun to work and shoot everyone. This shit happens of course,
but I’m talking about a global meltdown here. The average dude doesn’t go
crazy, because after he gets home from the job he probably hates, he can forget
about it by jerking off to girls that are way hotter than anything he’ll ever
get, probably, and reconvince himself that monogamy is easy. This keeps him
sated and docile. Some Muslims strap bombs to their chests because they think
there’s a bunch of chicks waiting for them in heaven. If there were more boobs
hanging out in the Middle East I bet it would be a calmer place. On that not
ladies, please don’t get mad when men objectify you, because your bodies are keeping
the world safe from total anarchy and destruction.
This brings me to why
the characters in Black Snake Moan are actually good. For as stupid as this
fucking movie is, the characters are pretty well developed in my opinion. I’ll
start with Christina Ricci as Rae. Right off the bat I can tell you her
character fulfils a classic character template you’ll find in a lot of movies,
and that arch is the hooker with the heart of gold. Basically what we have here
is a great looking gal that gets involved in some “morally questionable”
activities, but she’s a really good person the rest of the time. The hero
character always likes the hooker with the heart of gold, and the audience
usually does too. From a historical perspective, we probably see this character
recur so much in movies because of Mary Magdalene. Way to fuck hookers Jesus!
My favorite examples of
movies with the character include: Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts (1990),
Trading Places with Jamie Lee Curtis (1983), L.A. Confidential with Kim
Basinger (1997), Leaving Las Vegas with Elizabeth Shue (1995), Shoot’Em Up with
Monica Belluci (2007), and Moulin Rouge! with Nicole Kidman (2001). Characters
like this work really well in movies because it’s such a familiar thing to most
audiences whether they realize it or not. It’s like rooting for the underdog,
which is a safe play for writers and directors. And the fact that it’s some
beautiful girl engaging in scandalous activity, it even appeals to cynics like
me. As an audience we can tell that the writer/director of Black Snake
understands this well because Criag Brewer as a hooker with a heart of gold in
both his movies. The bag of shit-covered dicks aka Hustle and Flow has the Shug
character played by Taraji P. Henson. She’s the pregnant hooker that can really
sing, so the audience likes her.
This is the Rae character
to perfection. Sure, all Rae does is cheat on her boyfriend with everyone, and
is naked all over the place, (we have a word for that and its WHORE) but it’s
established that she doesn’t do it all on purpose. The story makes it clear
that she’s in trouble. Her father used to rape her for one, which is made
apparent in the very creepy but artfully done fever dream sequence where his
blurry visage ominously approaches her helpless on the couch. We also know that
Rae’s mother is a worthless and cruel person when Rae finally confronts her in
the grocery store. Not only is it made clear that Rae’s mother knew about the
child raping and did nothing, but she also seems to blame Rae for it, even though
she was just a little girl when it happens. Her mother even goes on to say
something to the affect of, “I should have had an abortion”. How can the
audience not feel for this character? So with all this in mind the audience
forgives Rae for all her sexual indiscretions.
Now don’t get me wrong
here folks, I’m not saying this is good writing. Not at all. But it is safe
writing. It works. Safe writing is better than bad writing.
This might be the point
where someone might say that Christina Ricci is a good actress. If you actually
think so, it’s probably time to refill your frappuccino and go back to reading
that philosophy 101 text book you cradle like a newborn asshole. It’s easy to
be tricked into thinking Ricci is a good actress because you get to see her
boobs. I’m not saying she’s the worst actress, but she it’s not hard for the
audience to ignore her cold weak line delivery when Sammy Jack is running
around screaming for two hours and her boobs are always out. This is also a
safe play on Brewers part. Ricci is just one of those actresses that we grew up
with as kids. She was in stuff like The Adams Family (1991), and Casper (1995),
which were pretty popular kid movies. While she never really stops acting, she
does disappears into indie movie hell for a long time, until she pops back up
in stuff like Sleepy Hollow (1999) and Monster (2003). Again she is carried
through these movies by Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron. Then all of a fucking
sudden this actress we’ve known since we were little kids is showing us her
rocking tits! What!? YES! WHAT A GREAT ACTRESS! PALM TO FACE. Thora Birch made
a similar move when she was the loveable kid in Hocus Pocus (1993) then showed
us her huge boobs in American Beauty (1999). There’s a lot more, but I won’t
list them because I don’t want my blog to get flagged for kiddy porn.
Then of course there is
Samuel L. Jackson. What can I say really? Sammy Jack is why this movie works
PERIOD. Like before when I mentioned safe writing, this is safe casting. No
matter how bad a movie is, if Samuel L. Jackson is in it, people WILL go see
it. No matter what. Star Wars…seriously? COME ON! Now if you were to look up
his filmography, you would notice that he’s been in a lot of shit, as far back
as the 1970’s, but once Pulp Fiction (1994) happened it was all over. In my
opinion that’s the movie that shot him into hilarious ultra fame and defined
him as an actor forever. Now I love Sammy Jack, I’ll admit that right now. I
might even have his giant black screaming babies, if he asked me, but he is
exactly the same in every single movie he’s in. Now I’m not saying this is a
bad thing necessarily, because let’s be honest, he’s a really entertaining
actor, but it is certainly not original or innovative. It’s not good, it’s
safe, and everyone likes safe.
So the character is an
angry alcoholic blues musician? Let’s cast Sammy Jack and make him scream a
lot. Hilarious! Wait let’s make him chain up a hot naked girl for no reason.
Awesome! Which by the way where the fuck did he get that chain? I mean that’s a
huge fucking chain. It’s so big I wonder if he mugged Jacob Marley and stole it.
Jackson is black…it would make sense. He also just walks out to his shed and
takes it out a treasure chest that’s just hanging out in there. I half expected
for him to also pull out a health potion, some gold coins, and mention how the
chain actually grants a stamina bonus when equipped. Also, if you think Jacob
Marley is related to Bob Marley and not a character from A Christmas Carol I
hope you get raped by the entire NFL. Twice.
One of the best things
about Black Snake is the poignant crisp one-liners that lace the whole film.
Even though I do like a lot of the dialogue, so many of Sammy Jack’s lines
could be mashed up with lines from Pulp Fiction and still work just fine.
Examples of lines I like: Lazarus goes to see his wife at the beginning of the
movie wearing a suit. She mentions how she doesn’t remember the last time she
saw him wearing, and Lazarus, without skipping a beat, instantly replies, “It
was at your momma’s funeral. I was a pall-bearer remember?” This is exactly
what dialogue should be. It tells us everything we need to know about Lazarus,
and sets the tone for the entire scene. However, since it’s Sammy Jack the
lines could also be read as, “It was at Big Kahuna Burger. That's that Hawaiian
burger joint. I hear they got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself.
How are they?” Guarantee no one would care. They movie might actually have
gotten better reviews. There’s another part I also really like when Lazarus is
drinking at a bar. His brother comes in, and the audience finds out that it was
in fact his brother Lazarus’ wife left him for. She gets real, and Lazarus
throws his brother down, breaks a bottle, and threatens to stab his brother’s
face with it. Lazarus says, “Cain slew Able, slew him out of envy. God put his
mark on Cain for his sins, is that what you want Deke? Huh? Is that what you
come here for? I'll do it for you, all you got to do is say it again... Say you
love me. Say you love me nigga!” It’s a
fantastic line, and makes for an intense scene that does great at character
development. But it could also read, “Cain slew Able, slew him out of envy. God
put his mark on Cain for his sins, is that what you want Deke? Huh? I'm a
mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch
brain, I'm Superfly T.N.T., I'm the Guns of the Navarone!”
Lazarus: I ain't gonn'
be moved on this. Right or wrong, you gonn' mind me. Like Jesus Christ said,
"Imma suffa' you. IMMA SUFFA' YOU!" Get yo ass back in my house!
Rae: Or what? Or what?
Lazarus: AND YOU WILL
KNOW I AM THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENEANCE UPON YOU! Standing ovations and
Oscars.
A lot of the dialogue
can still stand on its own, however.
Like when Rae and Lazarus are talking about their afflictions. Lazarus
confesses that his wife aborted their baby because she hated him, and Rae talks
about being molested by her father. She says, “You can’t just go around hurting
people then say you’re sorry and it all gets washed away. Why would heaven want
people like that?” Great line. Then later Lazarus explains what the Black Snake
Moan actually is when he says it’s a voice in his head. “Every time I think
it’s gone it comes howling back. Calls me when I’m ailing and can’t find my way
home lost in the past.” Also a fantastic line, with good delivery. This takes
place in what I believe to be the best scene in the whole movie. Ricci, having
been cleaned up and wearing a nice dress, holds onto Jackon’s leg just being
sexy, as Jackson plays the blue on his electric guitar. Lightning strikes on
the outside, and the wind howls. It’s
intense and very entertaining.
This is actually what
Black Snake does best. It makes great
use of striking visuals and overall good cinematography and editing, which is why
pseudo intellectuals will love this movie, because it’s so “artsy”. I really
like the scene at the beginning when Rae walks in front of the huge tractor and
refuses to move out of the way. Or any of the fast cutting fever dream scenes,
like when she wanders lost through the fields screaming, and especially the
creepy scene with her blurry father. There’s also the Exorcist like scene as
Rae writhes on the floor, which is what convinces Lazarus he has to help this
girl. Scenes of Lazarus’ wife spouting
hurtful are sporadically cut in to mirror things that Rae says, as a way
to bridge them together. Then of course there’s any of the blues scenes. The
one I just mentioned is great, and the one later when Lazarus takes the chain
off of Rae and they both lose themselves in the blues ballroom. It’s filled
with sweat, sex and dirty dancing, a gritty tribute to classic noir. It
unfortunately reminds me of the scene from The Matrix Reloaded (2003) when they
have their underground rave in Zion. That makes me want to vomit on my own
penis, so I usually try and forget about it.
At the end of the day
this movie is about an unlikely friendship. There’s billions of examples of
this in film, and just story telling in general. It actually reminded me a lot of the
relationship between Jean Reno and Natalie Portman in Leon: The Professional
(1994). I literally could list a hundred movies with this theme, as I’m sure
you could too. Like I said safe writing. Lazarus becomes the father that Rae
has always needed, and she in turn becomes the daughter he never got to have.
The cliché is made up for slightly by the imagery I just mentioned, and the
fact that their relationship is defined in such an unconventional way. And by
that I mean the chain.
WHY DOES NO ONE CARE
THAT HE HAS A GIRL CHAINED UP IN HIS HOUSE!? Even the preacher is all MEH about
it. Fucking sack of gay. In fact the sack is so gay it fucks itself in the
butt, and I’m not even sure what any of that means.
But yes, the imagery
reduces the need for me to hate the cliché, not to mention their
father/daughter relationship is riddled with sex. Like when he pulls her in the
house by the chain or walks her around with it. It’s for her own good I
realize, but if that isn’t a metaphor for fucking, I don’t know what is. Then
other stuff later, like when he gives her a bath after the encounter with her
mother goes poorly. It’s a harmless loving gesture, but remains very
sexual. Audiences respond well to this.
All in all, you can really tell that these two characters love each other,
which I like because good characters make any movie.
I think Craig Brewer
knows he’s not a great writer, but he does seem good at utilizing the tools of
the trade. He uses safe plot techniques, and casts actors that will draw, while
focusing on the undeniable power of great visuals in film. Again the plot is
fucking stupid, but we can ignore it. It’s not a great movie but it’s unique
enough to stand out in our minds and maybe provoke some thought. If you haven’t
seen it I would say it’s definitely worth a watch, or even a rewatch. Overall
it’s a pile of shit with great wrapping paper.
Keep trying Craig
Brewer you have a lot of potential sir…oh wait you directed the Footloose
remake in 20011…probably just kill yourself.
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